Monday, March 28, 2011
T +73
Dear Piglet, I feel like crap now after talking to you just then. Maybe not such a good choice of topic. I'm sorry if i was lousy before and that i didn't do enough of the things you were expecting. Maybe i was just too afraid of how my parents would react. Fear of them not accepting. Maybe i just wasn't observant enough of what you wanted. And i do agree with you that r/s can be the same level as work, and you should know that it usually is the case during our r/s. Only on occasions when i'm panicking when i decide to leave you out of my mind. But i dun think there were occasions when i rejected or neglected your needs because of work. Oh wells, but i guess, there isn't any point talking about this anymore issit? And sigh, why must you keep trying to find things to call me, complain to partner, girlfriend or what not. Not sure why i'm upset about this but i guess i'm just holding on to whatever you treat me as now. Its ok being honest and telling me things, but when i say i'm unavailable, i am unavailable. I don't think you can love somebody else while you still have somebody in your mind can you? Jealous much. I can only blame myself, for not trying hard enough while i had the chance. And i can only be patient and hope that the best case scenario will play out. I will fight to the bitter end. because that's me, stubborn and resilient. The more you doubt me, the more i will prove you wrong. The more you beat me down, the stronger i will be. Patience and sheer dogged determination. Bear
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
T + 67
Dear Piglet,
I haven't been blogging for about 2 weeks already. I have really been trying to find time, and trying to distract myself maybe, just to stay away from emotional crap for a bit. When i get emotional, its really debilitating. And for the past two weeks, i have been a emo nemo for so many times. i shall try to type as much as i can for now. I really wanted to share a lot for the past two weeks, but i guess i am jsut trying to cope with getting my work on the list ticked off.
Anyway, first alcohol free week had passed, my liver must be so happy, and my AST and ALT should be back to its normal levels. Craving for some moscato now.
that day when we went for moomba, was both a happy and sad day. I was so happy that somehow, things panned out to be such that you were at my place studying and we went to moomba together. It just seemed so real and so nice if we were together. Not sure if you were really studying, but i wasn't really u know. i was just staring at you from behind and thinking about things. At least we got to talk about stuff. It just felt so right and yet sometimes so different. You cannot imagine how many times i had to stop myself from putting that hand round your shoulder while we were walking in the rain. Its just that intrinsic familiarity i guess?
And btw, i really hoped we could have won something so that you can walk around with it. I really wanted that. But curse our luck. It didn't help when beow and mj were so lovey dovey and yowie was just snapping so much photos for his gf. Made me feel like crap. and when we were listening to the life performance at the grass place. i cried on several occasions, had to stop when yowie or beow or mj was talking to me. Hopefully they didn't see it. It just felt different i guess? in that there seems to be something missing already, not there anymore. Maybe it was just us being cautious with our words and actions, but i just didn't feel like we can speak our minds honestly to each other. Like there was something different. So much for time and distance and still wanting to be friends huh. This IS my worst fear. And i can only hope, and pray if you like, that it will just be as before when we are ready to be friends.
When i went home, i sat down beside mj, and i just burst into tears. It still hurts the same, and i cry as easily as i did 2 months ago. But i guess, i am just trying to stop myself from becoming emo so that i get more functionality out of my life to dedicate in my work, as i've told you that work is above all. It hurt so much that night, i just doused myself with vodka again, and made myself numb to the pain before i could sleep.
But i guess, i can manage my good days and bad days better, i have more control over that background noise at the back of my brain asking me to be emo and wallow in self pity. More control=good. At least i can spend some proper time sitting down to cover a chapter of work. I dunnoe how are you holding up. we never talk about us anymore. but i guess with mum around and friends coming soon, you should be pretty alright. but meh, i want you to hurt to so badly sometimes. Its just me being selfish and not doing anything about that thought. oh wells, i have been forsaken already. and i really do not have any more faith in love anymore. its just disastrous for me to think of having to be so dependent on someone. When that person leaves, it just leaves a gaping hole in your life. Its like a vaccum in me and i am being crushed.
But, i shall reiterate, i never regret this relationship with you. never, because i was truly happy with you.
Religion wise, i am making my own progress in seeking the truth. there has been many helpful people along the way. Some days, it appeals to me, some days, maybe not. i guess, i will have to experience Him myself for sometime before i know when i have an answer. Its a touchy thing, and people will judge me for whatever decision i make. But it has to overcome my conscience. I've still been asking tonnes of questions in alpha, and i really encourage people to question their religion, not as a way to make you drift away, but for you to really find out why you believe. And most importantly, i will not forsake family. You can say that without God, there wouldn't be you or even your family. but i know, with all the evidence and proof in this mortal living material world, that without my family, not jsut for the fact that they gave birth to me, but for them bringing me up to where i am, i wouldn't have existed, both physically and my identity. Do you think its fair for me to go to such crazy lengths to find out if i can meet you halfway, all almost all the way, when you don't try to move a little? sigh, but this isn't for you anyway is it, all my actions would not have moved you right?
my life's in pieces.
Bear
I haven't been blogging for about 2 weeks already. I have really been trying to find time, and trying to distract myself maybe, just to stay away from emotional crap for a bit. When i get emotional, its really debilitating. And for the past two weeks, i have been a emo nemo for so many times. i shall try to type as much as i can for now. I really wanted to share a lot for the past two weeks, but i guess i am jsut trying to cope with getting my work on the list ticked off.
Anyway, first alcohol free week had passed, my liver must be so happy, and my AST and ALT should be back to its normal levels. Craving for some moscato now.
that day when we went for moomba, was both a happy and sad day. I was so happy that somehow, things panned out to be such that you were at my place studying and we went to moomba together. It just seemed so real and so nice if we were together. Not sure if you were really studying, but i wasn't really u know. i was just staring at you from behind and thinking about things. At least we got to talk about stuff. It just felt so right and yet sometimes so different. You cannot imagine how many times i had to stop myself from putting that hand round your shoulder while we were walking in the rain. Its just that intrinsic familiarity i guess?
And btw, i really hoped we could have won something so that you can walk around with it. I really wanted that. But curse our luck. It didn't help when beow and mj were so lovey dovey and yowie was just snapping so much photos for his gf. Made me feel like crap. and when we were listening to the life performance at the grass place. i cried on several occasions, had to stop when yowie or beow or mj was talking to me. Hopefully they didn't see it. It just felt different i guess? in that there seems to be something missing already, not there anymore. Maybe it was just us being cautious with our words and actions, but i just didn't feel like we can speak our minds honestly to each other. Like there was something different. So much for time and distance and still wanting to be friends huh. This IS my worst fear. And i can only hope, and pray if you like, that it will just be as before when we are ready to be friends.
When i went home, i sat down beside mj, and i just burst into tears. It still hurts the same, and i cry as easily as i did 2 months ago. But i guess, i am just trying to stop myself from becoming emo so that i get more functionality out of my life to dedicate in my work, as i've told you that work is above all. It hurt so much that night, i just doused myself with vodka again, and made myself numb to the pain before i could sleep.
But i guess, i can manage my good days and bad days better, i have more control over that background noise at the back of my brain asking me to be emo and wallow in self pity. More control=good. At least i can spend some proper time sitting down to cover a chapter of work. I dunnoe how are you holding up. we never talk about us anymore. but i guess with mum around and friends coming soon, you should be pretty alright. but meh, i want you to hurt to so badly sometimes. Its just me being selfish and not doing anything about that thought. oh wells, i have been forsaken already. and i really do not have any more faith in love anymore. its just disastrous for me to think of having to be so dependent on someone. When that person leaves, it just leaves a gaping hole in your life. Its like a vaccum in me and i am being crushed.
But, i shall reiterate, i never regret this relationship with you. never, because i was truly happy with you.
Religion wise, i am making my own progress in seeking the truth. there has been many helpful people along the way. Some days, it appeals to me, some days, maybe not. i guess, i will have to experience Him myself for sometime before i know when i have an answer. Its a touchy thing, and people will judge me for whatever decision i make. But it has to overcome my conscience. I've still been asking tonnes of questions in alpha, and i really encourage people to question their religion, not as a way to make you drift away, but for you to really find out why you believe. And most importantly, i will not forsake family. You can say that without God, there wouldn't be you or even your family. but i know, with all the evidence and proof in this mortal living material world, that without my family, not jsut for the fact that they gave birth to me, but for them bringing me up to where i am, i wouldn't have existed, both physically and my identity. Do you think its fair for me to go to such crazy lengths to find out if i can meet you halfway, all almost all the way, when you don't try to move a little? sigh, but this isn't for you anyway is it, all my actions would not have moved you right?
my life's in pieces.
Bear
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
T +53
Dear Piglet,
today i just had my first session of the alpha course. Met a few people like minsuk, scott, david and lou. Lou's a pastor participating in the course and they all happened to be in my group. Watched a video where the speaker tried to validate the existence of God, Jesus and the Bible itself. hmmm, i'm not convinced totally. Most of his arguments are based from the New Testament itself. If the existence of the Bible weren't true, his arguments would have felled utterly. But how could one totally negate its existence after its influence on so many people's lives and that it has existed throughout the whole of the past 2000 years.
Somethings Lou said that i thought should be written down for future personal reference. He tried to explain how Christianity was different from Islam and Judaism in that the latter two follow a set of rules, e.g. the Law of Moses. And that in being a Christian, it is faith beyond just following a set of rules. Because, just by following rules make you appear to be a good person, but you are not on the inside. If you do not murder a person but have an evil thought about a person, you would have murdered him anyway. And therefore Christianity is about changing a person from the inside. Sounds really logical and very much acceptable argument for me. But i do not know enough about Islam and Judaism, but do they only base their faith on these rules and regulations whereas Christians follow the example of Jesus himself. Same or different? No one knows unless one knows about all these religions
It was nice to hear about other people's experiences with Christianity and why they went into it. And as Lou said, some people come for the course to fufil their intellectual needs, particularly refering to me i guess. The group discussion went a bit slow though, wasn't as spontaneous as i would have wanted it to be. I shall just try to be as vocal as i can, nobody would hate me anyway. So yeah, got to start breezing through the entire bible soon before i can come up with questions to challenge other people.
And yet, i pray that i will be convinced in the end.
Bear
today i just had my first session of the alpha course. Met a few people like minsuk, scott, david and lou. Lou's a pastor participating in the course and they all happened to be in my group. Watched a video where the speaker tried to validate the existence of God, Jesus and the Bible itself. hmmm, i'm not convinced totally. Most of his arguments are based from the New Testament itself. If the existence of the Bible weren't true, his arguments would have felled utterly. But how could one totally negate its existence after its influence on so many people's lives and that it has existed throughout the whole of the past 2000 years.
Somethings Lou said that i thought should be written down for future personal reference. He tried to explain how Christianity was different from Islam and Judaism in that the latter two follow a set of rules, e.g. the Law of Moses. And that in being a Christian, it is faith beyond just following a set of rules. Because, just by following rules make you appear to be a good person, but you are not on the inside. If you do not murder a person but have an evil thought about a person, you would have murdered him anyway. And therefore Christianity is about changing a person from the inside. Sounds really logical and very much acceptable argument for me. But i do not know enough about Islam and Judaism, but do they only base their faith on these rules and regulations whereas Christians follow the example of Jesus himself. Same or different? No one knows unless one knows about all these religions
It was nice to hear about other people's experiences with Christianity and why they went into it. And as Lou said, some people come for the course to fufil their intellectual needs, particularly refering to me i guess. The group discussion went a bit slow though, wasn't as spontaneous as i would have wanted it to be. I shall just try to be as vocal as i can, nobody would hate me anyway. So yeah, got to start breezing through the entire bible soon before i can come up with questions to challenge other people.
And yet, i pray that i will be convinced in the end.
Bear
Thursday, March 3, 2011
T +48
Dear Piglet,
This is the one week that i am sliding back again. I was able for a few weekends to keep the sadness and misery to just the weekends. But not this week, i felt crappy all week. And i guess you could tell when i was talking to you online yesterday. I feel so much better ranting to you about problems and stuff not related to you. after i am relieved of all those problems, i feel overwhelmed by our situation again. I guess i should be feeling happy now, when i am collecting my car tmr. I really hoped that you are the first person that i can drive around, i really hoped that you will be able to come collect it with me. Just like how i want you to be the first to know that my day went badly, like how i want you to be the first to know that i had a great achievement in hospital like diagnosing Wernicke's. I want to show off to you about my greatness and i want to crawl back into your arms when my day sucked. I want you to be there when i buy something more than a hundred bucks, much more so for a car. I want you to be there to say that red colour is ugly but only meaning to spite me.
a lot of people have told me to stop thinking about the what ifs and could bes. but what am i to do. jema said that i fall in love to deeply. maybe that's why i am struggling to learn how to be lonely again. How to buy dinner for yourself, how to enjoy the tram ride home alone with no one to talk to, how to walk to school just with music in your ears, how to wake up everyday greeted not by an sms or a kiss but by the cold and a reluctance to wake up. I miss kissing your forehead before you sleep, i miss pretending to be angry and leave your room. I miss holding your hands and looking you in the eye telling you i've never felt like that before in a cheesy way. I miss going to cinemas with couple seats with you.
I thought that after 48 days, almost 7 weeks, i would feel better. but yesterday, i cried again. It hurt the same, and i cried. There's still so many things i want to do with you. wells, like m j said, i've tried asking you out. maybe you are genuinely busy, maybe you are not ready. but i guess i will keep trying. i've never felt so crestfallen. i've never felt so heart-less.
Piglet, i hope you would meet me somewhere in between so that it isn't so hard for me.
I miss you so much piglet.
Bear
Chris Medina - What are words
Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most
What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone
And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most
What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone
Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most
I'm forever keeping my angel close
This is the one week that i am sliding back again. I was able for a few weekends to keep the sadness and misery to just the weekends. But not this week, i felt crappy all week. And i guess you could tell when i was talking to you online yesterday. I feel so much better ranting to you about problems and stuff not related to you. after i am relieved of all those problems, i feel overwhelmed by our situation again. I guess i should be feeling happy now, when i am collecting my car tmr. I really hoped that you are the first person that i can drive around, i really hoped that you will be able to come collect it with me. Just like how i want you to be the first to know that my day went badly, like how i want you to be the first to know that i had a great achievement in hospital like diagnosing Wernicke's. I want to show off to you about my greatness and i want to crawl back into your arms when my day sucked. I want you to be there when i buy something more than a hundred bucks, much more so for a car. I want you to be there to say that red colour is ugly but only meaning to spite me.
a lot of people have told me to stop thinking about the what ifs and could bes. but what am i to do. jema said that i fall in love to deeply. maybe that's why i am struggling to learn how to be lonely again. How to buy dinner for yourself, how to enjoy the tram ride home alone with no one to talk to, how to walk to school just with music in your ears, how to wake up everyday greeted not by an sms or a kiss but by the cold and a reluctance to wake up. I miss kissing your forehead before you sleep, i miss pretending to be angry and leave your room. I miss holding your hands and looking you in the eye telling you i've never felt like that before in a cheesy way. I miss going to cinemas with couple seats with you.
I thought that after 48 days, almost 7 weeks, i would feel better. but yesterday, i cried again. It hurt the same, and i cried. There's still so many things i want to do with you. wells, like m j said, i've tried asking you out. maybe you are genuinely busy, maybe you are not ready. but i guess i will keep trying. i've never felt so crestfallen. i've never felt so heart-less.
Piglet, i hope you would meet me somewhere in between so that it isn't so hard for me.
I miss you so much piglet.
Bear
Chris Medina - What are words
Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most
What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone
And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most
What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone
Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most
I'm forever keeping my angel close
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