T + 67

Dear Piglet,

I haven't been blogging for about 2 weeks already. I have really been trying to find time, and trying to distract myself maybe, just to stay away from emotional crap for a bit. When i get emotional, its really debilitating. And for the past two weeks, i have been a emo nemo for so many times. i shall try to type as much as i can for now. I really wanted to share a lot for the past two weeks, but i guess i am jsut trying to cope with getting my work on the list ticked off.

Anyway, first alcohol free week had passed, my liver must be so happy, and my AST and ALT should be back to its normal levels. Craving for some moscato now.

that day when we went for moomba, was both a happy and sad day. I was so happy that somehow, things panned out to be such that you were at my place studying and we went to moomba together. It just seemed so real and so nice if we were together. Not sure if you were really studying, but i wasn't really u know. i was just staring at you from behind and thinking about things. At least we got to talk about stuff. It just felt so right and yet sometimes so different. You cannot imagine how many times i had to stop myself from putting that hand round your shoulder while we were walking in the rain. Its just that intrinsic familiarity i guess?

And btw, i really hoped we could have won something so that you can walk around with it. I really wanted that. But curse our luck. It didn't help when beow and mj were so lovey dovey and yowie was just snapping so much photos for his gf. Made me feel like crap. and when we were listening to the life performance at the grass place. i cried on several occasions, had to stop when yowie or beow or mj was talking to me. Hopefully they didn't see it. It just felt different i guess? in that there seems to be something missing already, not there anymore. Maybe it was just us being cautious with our words and actions, but i just didn't feel like we can speak our minds honestly to each other. Like there was something different. So much for time and distance and still wanting to be friends huh. This IS my worst fear. And i can only hope, and pray if you like, that it will just be as before when we are ready to be friends.

When i went home, i sat down beside mj, and i just burst into tears. It still hurts the same, and i cry as easily as i did 2 months ago. But i guess, i am just trying to stop myself from becoming emo so that i get more functionality out of my life to dedicate in my work, as i've told you that work is above all. It hurt so much that night, i just doused myself with vodka again, and made myself numb to the pain before i could sleep.

But i guess, i can manage my good days and bad days better, i have more control over that background noise at the back of my brain asking me to be emo and wallow in self pity. More control=good. At least i can spend some proper time sitting down to cover a chapter of work. I dunnoe how are you holding up. we never talk about us anymore. but i guess with mum around and friends coming soon, you should be pretty alright. but meh, i want you to hurt to so badly sometimes. Its just me being selfish and not doing anything about that thought. oh wells, i have been forsaken already. and i really do not have any more faith in love anymore. its just disastrous for me to think of having to be so dependent on someone. When that person leaves, it just leaves a gaping hole in your life. Its like a vaccum in me and i am being crushed.

But, i shall reiterate, i never regret this relationship with you. never, because i was truly happy with you.

Religion wise, i am making my own progress in seeking the truth. there has been many helpful people along the way. Some days, it appeals to me, some days, maybe not. i guess, i will have to experience Him myself for sometime before i know when i have an answer. Its a touchy thing, and people will judge me for whatever decision i make. But it has to overcome my conscience. I've still been asking tonnes of questions in alpha, and i really encourage people to question their religion, not as a way to make you drift away, but for you to really find out why you believe. And most importantly, i will not forsake family. You can say that without God, there wouldn't be you or even your family. but i know, with all the evidence and proof in this mortal living material world, that without my family, not jsut for the fact that they gave birth to me, but for them bringing me up to where i am, i wouldn't have existed, both physically and my identity. Do you think its fair for me to go to such crazy lengths to find out if i can meet you halfway, all almost all the way, when you don't try to move a little? sigh, but this isn't for you anyway is it, all my actions would not have moved you right?

my life's in pieces.

Bear