T +233

Dear Piglet,

You are there and I'm here, on this friday night, I'm the lonliest person in my house. Wished you were here :(

Bear

T +233

Dear Piglet,

You are there and I'm here, on this friday night, I'm the lonliest person in my house. Wished you were here :(

T +217

Dear Piglet,

I'm happy when i have you. I'm happy when i can just hold you and watch tv and laze around on the couch. I'm happy that i'm in love with you, but are you in love with me and who i am? Hope to watch more masterchef with you, the same way we did on friday night :)

Bear

T + 119

Dear Piglet



Bear

T +114

Dear Piglet,

Tell me that there is something in me that is worthy for you to fight for.

Bear

T +108

Dear Piglet,

When i saw you cry after i dropped your friends off with you at the airport, my heart melted. I was so helpless, i didn't know what to do to make you feel better. Or maybe, i knew what i could do, but i can't. I can't give you that hug, or hold your hand or let you lie on my shoulder because that would be inappropriate. I only managed an awkward weird position tap on your shoulder while driving. I want you to know that i am always here if you need anyone. Always.

It made me think of the time when we were preparing to go back for our June holidays in Year 2. You didn't get your venepuncture done properly and you insisted on staying back to go for the course. You wanted to despite everyone else leaving before you. I had to leave because of my trip and in that situation, i wasn't able to celebrate your birthday with you too. i remember while you walked me to the pick up point opposite south east flats with the rest of the people to catch the dandenong shuttle. when i was about to leave, you broke into tears. i shall not claim entire credit for that because you always reminded me to be humble. But i do believe that even though some of your best friends left together with me, you were sad because i left, mainly (being humble again). i melted then, and i gave you a kiss on your teary cheeks. that's despite being not officially together and in front of some of our close friends. I can still rmb how shocked you were, or maybe stunned. but i just like that look of yours whenever i pull a stunt. and while i was on the bus i talked to you all the way up till i boarded the plane.

partings are hard to bear. we've parted for quite some time, 108 days to be exact. but i certainly hope we haven't drifted apart. whatever lies in the future, i still hope that we have that place in our hearts for each other, friend, boyfriend, couples, just not enemies. If man had control of time, we would have controlled the universe. But we don't have that luxury. and therefore, we can only look forward and hope for the best. i am trying hard, but it will take time. i hope you would still be there.

and like mj said, i have to start thinking a little more about myself. been seeing you a little more often lately. going to just ease things off a little. hard thing to do, but discipline and some friendly moral support and distractions will help. sigh.

hope you aren't feeling that lousy now. really enjoyed spending 12 hours with you yesterday.

Bear

p.s.

just wanted to share something from xy's tumblr


'i freaking miss this' - xy

i freaking miss this too :/

T +103

Dear Piglet,

i am incomplete without you
i am happy ONLY with you
You fill up my world with happiness
You add colour into my black and white life.

i love you
and i ask everyday
if you still do too.

Bear

T +97

i miss you piglet

Bear

T +73

Dear Piglet, I feel like crap now after talking to you just then. Maybe not such a good choice of topic. I'm sorry if i was lousy before and that i didn't do enough of the things you were expecting. Maybe i was just too afraid of how my parents would react. Fear of them not accepting. Maybe i just wasn't observant enough of what you wanted. And i do agree with you that r/s can be the same level as work, and you should know that it usually is the case during our r/s. Only on occasions when i'm panicking when i decide to leave you out of my mind. But i dun think there were occasions when i rejected or neglected your needs because of work. Oh wells, but i guess, there isn't any point talking about this anymore issit? And sigh, why must you keep trying to find things to call me, complain to partner, girlfriend or what not. Not sure why i'm upset about this but i guess i'm just holding on to whatever you treat me as now. Its ok being honest and telling me things, but when i say i'm unavailable, i am unavailable. I don't think you can love somebody else while you still have somebody in your mind can you? Jealous much. I can only blame myself, for not trying hard enough while i had the chance. And i can only be patient and hope that the best case scenario will play out. I will fight to the bitter end. because that's me, stubborn and resilient. The more you doubt me, the more i will prove you wrong. The more you beat me down, the stronger i will be. Patience and sheer dogged determination. Bear

T +71

T + 67

Dear Piglet,

I haven't been blogging for about 2 weeks already. I have really been trying to find time, and trying to distract myself maybe, just to stay away from emotional crap for a bit. When i get emotional, its really debilitating. And for the past two weeks, i have been a emo nemo for so many times. i shall try to type as much as i can for now. I really wanted to share a lot for the past two weeks, but i guess i am jsut trying to cope with getting my work on the list ticked off.

Anyway, first alcohol free week had passed, my liver must be so happy, and my AST and ALT should be back to its normal levels. Craving for some moscato now.

that day when we went for moomba, was both a happy and sad day. I was so happy that somehow, things panned out to be such that you were at my place studying and we went to moomba together. It just seemed so real and so nice if we were together. Not sure if you were really studying, but i wasn't really u know. i was just staring at you from behind and thinking about things. At least we got to talk about stuff. It just felt so right and yet sometimes so different. You cannot imagine how many times i had to stop myself from putting that hand round your shoulder while we were walking in the rain. Its just that intrinsic familiarity i guess?

And btw, i really hoped we could have won something so that you can walk around with it. I really wanted that. But curse our luck. It didn't help when beow and mj were so lovey dovey and yowie was just snapping so much photos for his gf. Made me feel like crap. and when we were listening to the life performance at the grass place. i cried on several occasions, had to stop when yowie or beow or mj was talking to me. Hopefully they didn't see it. It just felt different i guess? in that there seems to be something missing already, not there anymore. Maybe it was just us being cautious with our words and actions, but i just didn't feel like we can speak our minds honestly to each other. Like there was something different. So much for time and distance and still wanting to be friends huh. This IS my worst fear. And i can only hope, and pray if you like, that it will just be as before when we are ready to be friends.

When i went home, i sat down beside mj, and i just burst into tears. It still hurts the same, and i cry as easily as i did 2 months ago. But i guess, i am just trying to stop myself from becoming emo so that i get more functionality out of my life to dedicate in my work, as i've told you that work is above all. It hurt so much that night, i just doused myself with vodka again, and made myself numb to the pain before i could sleep.

But i guess, i can manage my good days and bad days better, i have more control over that background noise at the back of my brain asking me to be emo and wallow in self pity. More control=good. At least i can spend some proper time sitting down to cover a chapter of work. I dunnoe how are you holding up. we never talk about us anymore. but i guess with mum around and friends coming soon, you should be pretty alright. but meh, i want you to hurt to so badly sometimes. Its just me being selfish and not doing anything about that thought. oh wells, i have been forsaken already. and i really do not have any more faith in love anymore. its just disastrous for me to think of having to be so dependent on someone. When that person leaves, it just leaves a gaping hole in your life. Its like a vaccum in me and i am being crushed.

But, i shall reiterate, i never regret this relationship with you. never, because i was truly happy with you.

Religion wise, i am making my own progress in seeking the truth. there has been many helpful people along the way. Some days, it appeals to me, some days, maybe not. i guess, i will have to experience Him myself for sometime before i know when i have an answer. Its a touchy thing, and people will judge me for whatever decision i make. But it has to overcome my conscience. I've still been asking tonnes of questions in alpha, and i really encourage people to question their religion, not as a way to make you drift away, but for you to really find out why you believe. And most importantly, i will not forsake family. You can say that without God, there wouldn't be you or even your family. but i know, with all the evidence and proof in this mortal living material world, that without my family, not jsut for the fact that they gave birth to me, but for them bringing me up to where i am, i wouldn't have existed, both physically and my identity. Do you think its fair for me to go to such crazy lengths to find out if i can meet you halfway, all almost all the way, when you don't try to move a little? sigh, but this isn't for you anyway is it, all my actions would not have moved you right?

my life's in pieces.

Bear

T +54

Dear Piglet,

It would be nice if i had you beside me all this while.

Bear

T +53

Dear Piglet,

today i just had my first session of the alpha course. Met a few people like minsuk, scott, david and lou. Lou's a pastor participating in the course and they all happened to be in my group. Watched a video where the speaker tried to validate the existence of God, Jesus and the Bible itself. hmmm, i'm not convinced totally. Most of his arguments are based from the New Testament itself. If the existence of the Bible weren't true, his arguments would have felled utterly. But how could one totally negate its existence after its influence on so many people's lives and that it has existed throughout the whole of the past 2000 years.

Somethings Lou said that i thought should be written down for future personal reference. He tried to explain how Christianity was different from Islam and Judaism in that the latter two follow a set of rules, e.g. the Law of Moses. And that in being a Christian, it is faith beyond just following a set of rules. Because, just by following rules make you appear to be a good person, but you are not on the inside. If you do not murder a person but have an evil thought about a person, you would have murdered him anyway. And therefore Christianity is about changing a person from the inside. Sounds really logical and very much acceptable argument for me. But i do not know enough about Islam and Judaism, but do they only base their faith on these rules and regulations whereas Christians follow the example of Jesus himself. Same or different? No one knows unless one knows about all these religions

It was nice to hear about other people's experiences with Christianity and why they went into it. And as Lou said, some people come for the course to fufil their intellectual needs, particularly refering to me i guess. The group discussion went a bit slow though, wasn't as spontaneous as i would have wanted it to be. I shall just try to be as vocal as i can, nobody would hate me anyway. So yeah, got to start breezing through the entire bible soon before i can come up with questions to challenge other people.

And yet, i pray that i will be convinced in the end.

Bear

T +48

Dear Piglet,

This is the one week that i am sliding back again. I was able for a few weekends to keep the sadness and misery to just the weekends. But not this week, i felt crappy all week. And i guess you could tell when i was talking to you online yesterday. I feel so much better ranting to you about problems and stuff not related to you. after i am relieved of all those problems, i feel overwhelmed by our situation again. I guess i should be feeling happy now, when i am collecting my car tmr. I really hoped that you are the first person that i can drive around, i really hoped that you will be able to come collect it with me. Just like how i want you to be the first to know that my day went badly, like how i want you to be the first to know that i had a great achievement in hospital like diagnosing Wernicke's. I want to show off to you about my greatness and i want to crawl back into your arms when my day sucked. I want you to be there when i buy something more than a hundred bucks, much more so for a car. I want you to be there to say that red colour is ugly but only meaning to spite me.

a lot of people have told me to stop thinking about the what ifs and could bes. but what am i to do. jema said that i fall in love to deeply. maybe that's why i am struggling to learn how to be lonely again. How to buy dinner for yourself, how to enjoy the tram ride home alone with no one to talk to, how to walk to school just with music in your ears, how to wake up everyday greeted not by an sms or a kiss but by the cold and a reluctance to wake up. I miss kissing your forehead before you sleep, i miss pretending to be angry and leave your room. I miss holding your hands and looking you in the eye telling you i've never felt like that before in a cheesy way. I miss going to cinemas with couple seats with you.

I thought that after 48 days, almost 7 weeks, i would feel better. but yesterday, i cried again. It hurt the same, and i cried. There's still so many things i want to do with you. wells, like m j said, i've tried asking you out. maybe you are genuinely busy, maybe you are not ready. but i guess i will keep trying. i've never felt so crestfallen. i've never felt so heart-less.

Piglet, i hope you would meet me somewhere in between so that it isn't so hard for me.

I miss you so much piglet.

Bear

Chris Medina - What are words


Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

T +43

Dear Piglet,

Its been almost a week since i last blogged. I've just been too busy trying to read up for the next day and have been putting this off till now. I guess that is a show of me knowing where my priorities are.

I think i've programmed my mind to know where the lines are already. Not contacting you unless contacted first. i've done pretty well in it, except maybe i depend on a few other friends more during this period of time. i am even able to say that some of the emotional attachment is beginning to fade. Now, i am afraid. The greatest thing behind why i didn't want to forget was because i dun want things to fade and change. Alright, maybe not emotional attachment, but emotional dependence. Maybe its a first step to try to find happiness again, but im still not a happy person. I spent 18000 on a car that i don't think i will need much, just to make myself happy and keep myself occupied. Now all i need is probably to find an activity i can participate weekly to further keep my mind off these things.

Sometimes when people say certain things, it still hurts. Things like, eh, now got civic already can go out jio girls again already. I mean, i know you guys mean well and all, but i was so craving to tell you guys that i am single but unavailable. I need to find my heart back. When u see people going out together in pairs, it just makes you feel sad how you cannot be with the one you love.

I remember that day when it was our one month anniversary, it seemed like i didn't care much but i actually cycled to macs to buy breakfast for us. the drinks spilled all the way and i was so sianed that my choclocate was all along wellington road. Seeing that smile on your face when i went into your room made it all worthwhile. I just love it when i see your, what the hell did you do know, what are you up to, huh, why you go so far to buy breakfast kind of face. Well, i guessed if i could make nice breakfast, i wouldn't need so much effort.

Going to pancake parlour together that sunday morning was also one of our breakfast escapades. Climbing up so early in the morning to travel to glen. remember the two super nice cars, ferrari and porshe that we saw? It was that day, there were still so little people at the glen. we jsut went in and ordered a short stack. it was simple and nice, but i really just want to spend time with you like that. i may not be the person always with things to talk about, i just want to spend time with you and being there with you just makes me feel so happy.

I still remember that day at Wilson's Prom when we stayed back for the open air cinema. Alice in wonderland was it? Not sure if you really wanted to stay to watch but its just another one of the things i really wanted to do with you. open air cinema. ok, maybe i was imagining more of a two of us lying on top of a convertible watching the movie kind of thing, but that was good enough. buying a cup of hot drink so that you can hold it in your hand and feel some warmth when we were so underprepared for the cold. I just love doing everything with you. I want to go for a road trip with you right beside me all the while. I haven't had enough of you. But this easter, i think i will be a lonely man.

I wonder when can i hug you tightly again.

Bear

T +37

Dear Piglet,

haven't really had the time to type out my thoughts for the past few days, so i shall dedicate sometime before i head off to bed.

Went to church with tim and xuan today. before that, i was very confused, i can't believed i went in the end. that's on hindsight thinking about how i was so frightened in the past. mixed feelings and a lot of fear and apprehension. But i still went in the end. It has to start i guess, to find out more. I guess i really need to do this so that i can find my clear direction. Tim was telling me about some of the things to expect when i go for the service, especially with the communion part. He did tell me that i didn't have to do it if i didn't want to, i still did in the end, not sure why though, but partly because i did not want to feel out of place. all the intimidation. There was this girl seating beside me, dorothy, a melb uni med grad doing anaesthesia in geelong now. She introduced herself in the mingling part and kind of found out i was new there, and was like encouraging me to say hi to everyone else since i was new in the part where the pastor invited new people attending to introduce themselves. There were many asians surprisingly which made everything a little more comfortable? The singing part was nice i thought, through the lyrics of the song, i was able to learn a little more about the faith and stuff. and i think its nice to worship and sing praise this way. im not sure how to describe it, but heartwarming? homely like tim said. and i can sort of understand why it makes people feel at ease.

Oh, there was this part where the pastor asked people who wanted to recognise Christianity as their faith to come to the front. and he gave some reasons i think, like to be able to confess your belief in him in front of men. I am not really ready for it and maybe one day i would, but certainly not yet. The sermon part was actually something that was interesting to me, although i was a little sleepy cos of the monotonality. Well, i'm not sure if the evidence (geographical and physical) were true and i do question the source of those pictures about edom and gomorrah. it kind of appealed to me because they at least, tried to validate their claims and not just getting you to belief and trust and have faith if u get what i mean. The passage for the service was something about false teachers and how people get led away from god. it was kind of apt or not apt to me, since i am still not a christian. and like you said xuan said it was right in the face. Well, a little harsh condemning non-believers i feel, and some use of really strong words. uncomfortable moments. I mean if u were a Christian you would be ok listening, but for me its just different? And it felt as though the pastor was talking to just me. When we were singing the closing song, there was a pause in between the song and he was like come out now! talking about the people who wants to convert and confess. another uncomfortable moment. i think i do just find sitting where i am and blending in for now. Different environment, but i guess with some caution and understanding i might just be able to accept being there. I will definitely go for another service the week after, but really depends on our vespa session thing.

was kind of thankful that tim said he wouldn't mind going alpha course with me because he thought it would be going to be intimidating for me. guess i am well looked after then. pastor also said something about not rejecting = acceptance and that there's no in between. i am really in between i guess. still lost trying to find my way. but i really feel that one day if i do accept Christ in my life, i would still pray in my buddhist ways, for my family and with my family. Maybe i would still want to reincarnate but maybe Christ would offer me a salvation that will allow me to lead a mortal life again? i have no idea, i need to find out more. Sometimes i really want to find out what i was in my last life, and i think you could possibly go to a medium for that, but it wouldn't affect much i guess. Its this life that matters, the one and only you've got. Even if u are a undegradable soul put through different mortal bodies, each and every life is differnt because of your upbringing and environment and experiences. Is it really possible for life to be continous and just devoid of memories from life to life? i need to find out more.

Talked to you after i'm home. i am glad you call, even if you just wanted to find out how i felt about the session. But i guess maybe you were a little anxious to find out how much i could accept it. I guess maybe when u heard that i thought it went good you felt happy. I guess you are still hoping for us to be together again. But its all my guesses from your voice and tone. I guess that you still love me dearly. I do still love you, but all this time apart is really doing us no good. And the longer i take, the harder its going to be for us. If only we can still meet once a week. im really glad when u said you felt your heartache, like how its physically pain. It was exactly how i felt too. And please stop trying to matchmake me away. i am single and unavailable. please be my friend again, so that we can spend time together, even with the feelings tucked away, so that at least the feelings will not be lost.

I am so afraid of forgeting and losing everything, maybe that's why i am being so miserable and not allowing myself to move on. The less pain i feel, the easier im going to forget.

I can still rmb that dinner with you at sophia's after our little honeymoon trip. The humongous amount of pasta and two tired faces. we still managed to pull up some smiles and a big appetite to try to gobble down all the food. Had like 3 takeaway boxes to bring the food home. But that was what i wanted to do if i had a car, to bring you out for dinner like that.

I can still remember in 2009 april's fool day when ajit and chinswee came to your door to scare you. When you called me, i was really knocked out and very drowsy and i saw your name on the phone but i couldn't keep awake. i vaguely heard what's happening upstairs and i was like gahh, now i am really going to lose my sleep only to hear the scream and shocks happening upstairs. too late to do anything i thought and then i just returned to sleep. Got scolded for not answering my phone the next day. But i already denied lending them the key. if only you talked to me more then, i would have went up to save you. hahas.

I want to hug you so badly, i want to know that it feels just the same as before.

Bear

T +36

Dear Piglet,

i miss waking up on saturday mornings with you beside me.

Bear

T +34

Dear Piglet,

i am little too tired to blog for today, work seems to be getting the better of me a little bit. And i need to go grab some much-needed sleep. See you tmr morning, will update tmr. I know you've seen this, but i just want to post it up. lyrics are heartbreaking



Dear God the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
When hope begins to fade...

Well, it maybe selfish, the way you left me, but its respectable and admirable.
Sometimes i hate telling you that nobody can force you to do things you don't want to.
Because i hope i was able to force you to change your mind.
Meanwhile, while i miss someone to hold, i can only hope that He holds you when i am not around.

I'm missing you again, oh no.

Bear

T +31

Dear Piglet,

Happy Valentine's Day. I just thought about it, i never had the chance to celebrate one with you. I was wondering what did i do for you and i went to check my passport. in 2009 that's when we first came over, we were just being in aussie for the first time. In 2010, i had chops on 13 and 15 of feb indicating i was in msia, probably a genting trip. I recall you were in penang or something just before and how it was annoying we keep missing each other. But i rmb sending you a valentine's day card did i not? yeah that's probably it. Well, in 2011 its obvious, all alone by myself. It such an insensitive day to those who are out of love. But sigh, i guess i wasn't lucky enough to make you feel like the girl in love going out on a date with her bf with a bouquet of flowers in her hand, a nice dinner prefably somewhere nice like clarke quay of sorts and a nice drive home. I really want to.

I am really a crazy person, i was so distraught if i should go find her on sunday night. luckily beow agreed to give me ride to her place. but the entire day, i was so distracted about what i was going to do. Its nth much, i only had a card and a flower for her. but i was so distracted, my heart was like racing like mad when i left house with beow. I guess u now know why i love nike, just do it. and partly a bit of encouragment from mj. I went to her place, and i decided i should just leave it and go, but xq's curtains weren't closed so i had to call her out lest i frighten someone. she came out, rather surprised i should say. she patted my head, i hoped she would hug me because i didn't dare to hug her first. She asked me in, but i didn't want beow to wait (another reason why i want a car). so i just wished her happy valentines day and goodnight and left. wasn't the kind of drama-ish meeting i would have expected. but i did what i wanted to do.

She called me after and we talked. we had only just spoken on saturday night. It was a normal talk, but i was really afraid that things have died out, maybe like running out of things to talk about? i dunnoe, maybe we were just tired, or i was being cautious. i was never really a talkative person in the first place. But i guess hearing her voice comforts me a bit. i really really hope we can still be the friends that we were before we got attached. and i will be patient.

I rmb the random things i did for your birthday last year. mcdonalds breakfast, bouquet of flowers and the card and the bottle of stars. i am still really proud of the effect i created although i couldn't be there to experience it first hand. being all the way in russia, it was kind of an achievement. and i still have that msg of yours in my phone with you saying how surprised you were.

And i rmb the last day of school last year, when i bought roses for the girls in south east, but i actually only wanted to buy them for you, three stalks on the table with elaborate petals around, u used the word elaborate rmb? three stalks meaning, I love you fang.

Bear

T + 27

Dear Piglet,

How have u been? I wanted to tell you so many things. I wanted to tell you that you wouldn't look good if your skirt wasn't short. I wanted to tell you that you looked really pretty in formal wear looking like a doctor. I wanted to ask if you had makeup on. I wanted to ask what were u going to do after. I wanted to ask you so many things. and i wanted to tell that my water bottle leaked in my bag and destroyed my oxford clinical handbook, or at least a corner of it. i wanted to tell you i punched a wall and my knuckles hurt now. i wanted to tell you i saw peter huang in the operating theatres. i wanted to tell you that i am so tired in school lately. I wanted to tell you that my day was so unproductive. I wanted to tell you sasha has already done 4 venepunctures and she's stressing me out.

Its just different talking to someone else. But i should be able to do these things even as your good friend right? i shall be patient, its a virture like you always said. and i wonder why i would say pulmonary arteries instead of veins when i knew blood goes back to the heart via veins whether they are oxygenated or not.

How are you piglet. Hope everythings going well, with work, with patho case, with talking to patients and getting logbook signed off. hope the bed frame has arrived and so many other things. I guess you are just going further and further away from me. and i am pretty sure you will be even further when your parents come down and your good friends come visit you. i guess, i dun have your care and concern anymore. i guess whatever happens to me doesn't concern you anymore. i guess i should not expect you to be concerned about me anymore. i guess, life just sucks sometimes.

I rmb you coming back from ocf fundraising thing where they sold the rootbeer float thing and you carried it back all melted for me.

I rmb you buying random fruits cutting them all up for me after dinner cause feli did too

I rmb the times when i have a headache and when i am having my dark room therapy and still feel that something is missing, i can always call you to come visit me, or rather, guilt trip you to find me. and then i would lie down on your lap telling you that you are my drug and you cure all my problems.

I have a headache now, and i can only hope that the alcohol numbs me a little.

就算放开那能不能别没收我的爱 当作我最后才明白

周杰倫 彩虹

Bear

T +25

Dear Piglet,

weekends are the hardest to get by, i can't wait for mondays to come, i guess medicine was really meant for me, it just fills me up. Or maybe its just the busy schedule. How have u been piglet dear, how's cabrini, how's going around with consultants? How's your groupmates and beside tutes, how's your patients, any interesting patients? How's studying. I hope you aren't stressed. Too many things i want to know about you. But you just aren't around anymore.

I watched hello stranger alone, and i cried, alone. I guess everytime i watch a romance film, i might just cry. How do you find the strength to give me up like this. I really want to say this, try and forget me, try to ignore me, i am sure you won't be able to do it easily. I really want to be so super confident and arrogant when i say that, but i am not sure anymore.

i was in the gym and i walked straight into a glass door. It wasn't pain that i felt at that instance, i only just wanted to send u a random sms, to tell you i did something stupid. But i can't, i can't anymore. Its just isn't the same telling you compared to like beow or mj or sasha. Because you will laugh at me and yet ask if i am ok. you will probably call me a stupid boy but i like that. I asked God for a sign, a sign for me to believe and find my next direction. I am still waiting for it.

I was trying to recall our times together, and i thought of the many times when u came down to my place and we were running around, chasing each other, not letting you come into the room and then u just shout bernard chua very loudly outside and i have to let you in so that u don't disturb jem. I miss the time when u tried to hide a note and do some hide and seek thing. and i rmb i put the note in my mouth. I was frantically looking for that note, i spent about 15 minutes looking everywhere, it could be in singapore but i felt something was missing, even when not having that little note of yours. i am sure it was written that it isn't fun playing hide and seek when u know the hiding place already. I was so happy running around, laughing loudly in my house and my housemates will be like looking at us and wonderin what got into us.

And then i rmbed the first time i kissed you. It was a school day, probably a 9 oclock start. i went up to find you before leaving and i kissed you on your cheeks before we left. at that moment, i thought that maybe one day, we would still be like this when we've become doctors, kissing you goodbye before going to work. i really wished it could stay that way.

wells, my nick now is from the song Angels or Devils by Dishwalla. Nice emo songs with lyrics that i like.

and i can see the pain in you
and i can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
will take time

Bear

T + 23

Dear Piglet,

just saw you yesterday but i still feel like crap now. Too much to say now. Too much tears, too much sleepless nights and certainly too much alcohol. I was just looking through our msn conversations from 14/1. Everything that we said. I sometimes wonder if you will still uphold them. First it was, i still want you to be my best friend and we can still sit together and talk and anything and we don't have to care what other people say as long as we know our lines. Then it was maybe we can be good friends (like really really really good friends) for now. Then it became your call that maybe we shouldn't meet so often and we decided to meet once a month. And then it was that monday when u couldn't talk to me when u saw me in school and there was the other day when u said you won't be contacting me until saturday for the party when u would come earlier to talk to me until i dun think i will contact you for the next few months.

We promised, while sitting beside each other somewhere in Sydney, overlooking the Sydney Harbour bridge and the Sydney Opera House, that if anyone of us thinks that the relationship isn't going to work out, to tell the other person at the earliest possible time and that we will still remain as very good friends even after. I am still hoping that you would honour your word but only time will tell. I still try to tell myself to be patient and to maintain my trust in you. Because as long as i know and believe that our friendship isn't lost, it makes it just that little bit easier to get by for me. But taking all the changes in the past three weeks into consideration, its harder and harder for me to believe, and harder and harder for me to get by each day.

i will keep trusting you,
but i hope i don't have to prepare for disappointment.

Bear

T +21

Dear Piglet,

its been 3 weeks already. Maybe time helps a bit, i don't cry as easily and i don't get emotional as easily. But it still hurts the same, and i haven't forgotten a single bit. In fact every little thing i do, everything i see, i think of you. I am so glad you called me just now when you needed help. I can't explain why, but i am just glad. And lucky for you, you came to the lecture late and left early, wasn't too hard for both of us to handle that way. Studies really can drown me out a bit. But i keep getting distracted. Thanks to people like beow who asks once in a while if i am ok. They keep me going i guess. But sigh, i still miss you very much piglet. When i get ready to sleep, i can't help but feel that something is missing. Maybe i should just sleep on smaller beds but that wouldn't help either. I really really wished that you would just change your mind and come running back to me. All these sadness and misery is making me age so much more. and my vodka bottle is steadily becoming lighter. i really have no idea when i will get over this, maybe i wouldn't even get over it, but just move on with my life so much that its just a subconcious thing.

Sasha asked me if we got back together would everything still feel the same? I think i would still be as happy. There's still so much more i want to do with you. Without you for even the next few years will equate to me not living my life to the fullest. I've found happiness with you and i hope you've found happiness with me. Now i have no idea where to start looking again. Nth seems to make me happier anymore. I guess this is one instance where money can't buy happiness. Fang, please just come back to me. Its too tedious to move on.

Bear

T +18

Dear Piglet,

well, now that you have come to discovered this blog and that u said u will not read it. I shall take your word and just continue to blog without taking into consideration that u might read it. I guess its just a way for me to say whatever's on my mind there and then without having to think about how others think? Well, could be interesting now that u have seen it. Its really up to you if u want to continue to do it. who knows, u might even have started one for me?

We talked the other night and yes, i understand what u mean when u say u are both happy and sad. Its a really mixed confused complicated feelings that tears the heart out of me. And its just so scary how everything u said about monday was exactly what i thought it would be. Like at every step of the way u avoided me, the reason u said was the exact excuse i was giving myself. Just such an uncanny ability to know what u are thinking i guess. Its ok, i know its awkward for you, i guess it would be the same for me, but i will still remain that i will not contact you unless u contact me first. That way i will know u are sincere, that way i will know u are ready. I guess from what u said, u are not going to contact me for a very long time, and i think i have also given up hope of seeing u even once a month (it would be nice u know, i really can behave in an appropriate manner). Sigh. What else is there u want to take away from me? It was a downward spiral since the nostayover thing, i just started losing everything i had about you one by one slowly without having done anything wrong. and i am not even angry. If only i were a little bit more angry with you, i think i would have moved on just a bit quicker. But i am nice, and i wun be angry with you.

I guess i can also tell that its really hard for you. I can tell that u are sincere in keeping the promise of remaining as good friends. even though i only heard it through your voice. I guess i can just tell u mean it. I am both happy and sad that u are not coping very well, that its very hard for you to face me. It means a lot to me knowing that u still cherish what we had. I dunnoe, i was just thinking, what if u just can't move on. What would that mean, maybe this was the plan He has for you? what if u just keep trying to avoid me and cut me out but u can't? I talked to wc the other day and he was telling me about his parents, dad's christian, mum's not and it took her 18 years before she took the step to let God into her life. 18 years, it just comes to prove that its not easy what u are expecting of me. But it does not mean i am not willing to try. I will try but will u be willing to wait, will u still be there for me. I am really afraid and uncertain because i really dun want to go through this torture one more time. What if after i have gone over this barrier and u ask of me something i cannot achieve again. maybe i would have loved you deep enough for me to do anything for you. But would u do anything in return for me. just accepting me no matter what?

Rmb that day when we went for tulip festival all the way at mt dandenong. It was one of the happier times i rmbed having spent with you. Especially when walking beside you under the umbrella just made me feel that the both of us are in like our own world and i had a thought that we would be like that when we become old. It made me feel like i was walking around with my prized possession. I still rmb how u wore double stockings cos its so super cold and how your flats were like soaked with mud during that rainy day.

And i rmb that day when u wanted to go to chadstone to buy groceries and i tagged along cos i needed to get my tie. How i brought my entire suit, blazer pants and shirt all out just to look for that one tie. myers was too expensive and we ended up in that shop that had this skinny tie. It wasn't that cheap either but i decided it anyway cos u said it was nice. I always trusted your taste, i only appear to doubt it. I know at that time, we weren't even aware of our feelings for each other, we were still the neighbours kind of thing. But i felt happy anyway and then i thought if my decision to not get into a relationship was coming to an end. If you realised, from that day on, i became closer to you in every step of the way. I wanted to be there with you.

short term goal - last out till saturday.

and i want you to know that the days goes by more easily when i know that u will keep your promise. It keeps me motivated. :)

u need to hurry up too, or my wasted heart will still be loving you.

Bear

T +16

Dear Piglet,

Today was a really tough day, i am just glad i got through it. Of course with some people around like beow and mj who was there with me and like yx who just came over to ask me if i was fine. She didn't even need to ask about what happened and i guess i really appreciated the concern. But sigh, toughtough day. It was only because of the heat that prevented me from crying. I saw all the people around, the familiar faces, but i just couldn't bring myself to go talk to people. I saw her of course, but she didn't look at me. Its as if i didn't exist i felt. But like i said, i shall generate excuses, she didn't mean it cos she missed her girlfriends too much and went to chat them up instead. She came really close at a point of time, i was hoping she could just come and tap me and say hi, i guess i should have really looked up. Another excuse, maybe she appears to be very cold cos she isn't comfortable talking to me with so many people around? I dunnoe, i didn't concentrate throughout the entire day. I just kept emo-ing. Good thing beow asked me to take a walk to campus centre, if not i would have just died. Even when after everything we were like walking towards the carpark i was like, should i just run up and talk to her or should i maintain that i will not contact her unless she contacts me first, issit a stupid thing?

In the afternoon, went to get the iphone stuff and it took so long, was supposed to go lunch with everyone (where i can hopefully talk to her) but we just missed it. I was damn sian as the hours go by cos it meant that my chances were dieing out. And then my phone went out of batt. But i guess it didn't mattered cos at the end of the day, she still didn't send me a msg or what. not even to say hi, what are u doing. I am not expecting you to say what hey dear i love you or what, its things like that that really makes me start to wonder about things, doubt things. sigh. hopefully we would still be good friends 6 months down the road, but for now, i guess i am just getting used to being disappointed, lowering my expectations and getting used to everything.

Went to play soccer after, was quite shiok. everyone must have been lazing around too much, we got tired really quick. But it was enjoyable because everyone was trying to get the ball. I was tired too, if not i would have vented all my stress and anger in the game. Well, i did when jem was trying to shout at me to do better. i just kept kicking with all my energy i can find. and of course, with some of my favorite vulgarities. i ended up scoring two goals, all very lucky or not kind. Some nice shots i thought but shots will remain as shots unless they get in. Good venting everything out. Felt really good, hopefully we will get to do this more. Then Tim drove me home, while on the way to pick sasha we talked a bit, i was happy that he talked to me about it. Maybe cos i really treat him as somebody who i can really turn to for advice. And maybe also because he's christian, and maybe because he's also in a similar situation i guess. Sad that we couldn't have talked more. Would really want to know him better this year now that we are close by. Well, he did say that when he talked to her, it seemed like the our relationship was quite a serious one. But i guess, after what nic has said, i am starting to wonder, if she really loved me, wouldn't she have done more to try to keep me? Like tell me its an issue and give me some options for negotiation and compromise, rather than just break up with me like that. I am starting to wonder if she did it because maybe there's something else about me she couldn't accept? Like maybe me being too sticky, or not telling my parents about it and that the religion thing was just an excuse? I dunnoe. Sasha said i should gather all my questions and ask her out to talk about it. should i?

Even if i did, i probably only just wanted her to be close by.

Bear

T +14

Dear Piglet,



Today is one day after i am back in melbourne, life seems destined for a great change, the food portions, the transportation system, the weather, and without her. But i will pull through i hope. met her today with her housemates, when they came over to find us to go to the city to get some food. was really glad to see her all safe and sound. she seems find, but just a bit tired. While making our way to the city, we talked quite a bit, so its rather heartening that we could still talk like last time. well, i am pretty clear of the lines i cannot cross, so i was actually glad that we could talk like that. made me feel more comfortable being just friends with her, the same old fang i knew all this while. we will jack each other, say insensitive remarks to each other and all. she even slapped me on the back. tsktsk, will get back at you one day.



She then told me about nicole talking to her, didn't tell me much of the contents of their conversation. She just keeps harping that nic is a really good friend and all. oh wells, what have u done nic, i really hope she doesn't know about this blog thingy and the fact that i haven't been coping well the past few days. Today is much better, like yesterday too i guess. maybe its cos i have been talking to her and seeing her today of course. I guess what she didn't know that keeping in touch with her made me feel better. Not the kind of feel that everything's not over and still the same kind of normal, but the i am glad we can still be like that without being together kind of normal. So yeah, it helps me believe that we can still have a friendship that is as special as before we told each other our feelings. Yup, so i guess i am happy these two days, i am more certain that i haven't lost her completely. This is actually not an emo post then.



Then we went to her place, me and beow, and i really want to thank beow for going with me, even when he might be thinking that he's a bit extra, but i guess it was more a courage or comfort booster of sorts that he's there too. terribly sorry for all the trouble so far, but i will definitely be nice to him in the days to come. I just spent the entire evening helping or watching her unpack. Really enjoyable though i should really have been home packing my own stuff. But who cares. I get to see her and talk to her, that's all's impt now. Her room does feel really cosy and omg PINK. So much pink, thinking of buying her a pink rubbish bin or something. if she puts on the pooh bedsheets i bought for her it will be even omg pink. Hope she's feeling well today having sneezed so much, either the dust or missing me too much. hahahas. she was tired for a bit, so i made her sit down and we played angry birds on her tablet. Pretty fun lar, makes me want to get one myself too. i shall just be patient and wait for my iphone. Oh and just for the record, she said she likes the piglet i gave her more than the one she got from another guyfriend. So i guess i win again. hahas. Sigh. I am glad we tried and i still do love her very much. Oh dear, what am i to do now.

Oh and yesterday she called me before she boarded the plane, i requested it. But she seems rather willing (for lack of a better word) to, and we were just like talking about anything. I was so tired waiting though, like at 130am then she called. but i was too anxious waiting i stayed awake despite dozing off all the way since 1230. and then she called again when she reached. I am hoping that this was like when we were together. But then again i am glad we can still do things like that happily even if we weren't together. Oh wells, i am one confused person.

special thanks to sandi who came over to do random stuff and just accompanying a lost soul like me. and of course, nicole if u did put in a few good words for me, all my classmates who came to send me off david tingfu andy and nic. and xy for all your hey are you ok and concern. Beow for being such a great friend and always being there.

I am so much happier today, in ying's terms, maybe 1 percent today :)

But piglet, you have no idea how much i missed you and i love you :):):)

Bear

T +12

Dear Piglet,

Sigh, its day 12 already, wasn't able to put a post for day 11 cos i was out late. Went to meet 3 other friends since 8pm till now. Talked to cas about the whole thing. Everyone's like her, asking me to stay strong and all but its just so hard. My eyes still well up in tears sometimes thinking about it. I really really hope being at Alfred will overwhelm me so much that i can't even catch my breath. I really really still hope that we will be together again. Nic's heartbroken too, but she still managed to get me to still try to go to church with her and everything. she's probably the only person encouraging me in this direction. Everyone else is just like, move on bernard. But the thing is i dun want to regret. Life's too short for unhappiness and regrets. And like i told cas, i may seem ok, still smiling and all, but my heart's frowning, i just dun show it. Just like you should already know.

Going to fly back tmr already, instead of wondering about transport, money or whatever, i am worried about whether she would call me or should i call her just before i fly. When she flies, would she call me too? would she know that i am worried and that i want to know that she's boarding or she's landing? i'm really hopeless. now i dun even have somebody to watch the green hornet with. Somebody who will watch anything i want to watch. i know you will critisize my dear jay chou and all throughout the movie, but u will still say something nice in the end just to make me happy.

Once she was going to prepare dinner. Tacos and meat with tomato sauced marinade with lettece and sour cream. She cooked everything already except the tacos. She claimed that the tacos weren't hot enough in the oven. So i suggested putting it in the grill for a faster effect. And then, for all we knew, the whole stove started to catch fire and smoke was bellowing out from every hole on the stove. She was like stunned, and was going to like ask me to get the fire extinguisher. but then i thought, fire extinguisher need to break safety seal and breaking the safety seal will mean probably a report and investigation, so i just scooped some water and splashed it over. when the fire was out, it didn't only mean that our dinner was destroyed, it meant a lot of scrubbing to do, to clean the black stains on the white stove. Luckily, we quickly dealt with that, with some fanfare in her house also. xq and felita came to view our disaster. We managed to scramble some food together, like garlic bread and a very awful carrot cake i bought from the asian grocer. her first time seeing a fire like that, and of cos a first one for me to see something being burnt so spontaneously. From then on, we never really dared to use the grill without opening the cover. It was so shocking to her i guess she even wrote it in her diary. Just something worth rmbering i guess.

Bear

T +10 - 2

From xy's tumblr

T +10

Dear Piglet,

I'm sorry i keep unloading all my sorrows onto you. But you always knew how to make me feel better. I'm glad u understood how i felt and i hope that when you are ready for us to be friends again that you wouldn't have changed a single bit. I was secretly happy when u said that you felt that u still liked me during the lunch gathering. I always give u what u want, at least most of the time. you want a breakup, i accepted it, you need time, i will give you time, you need distance i will pull myself away. But i really hope that my one small request, that you will still be the same fang that i can rely and depend on albeit not as a girlfriend anymore, you will grant me. If you forget me completely, a part of me would have died along with you.

Once you've moved on with your life and that i know i didn't lose you completely, i will then move on with mine.

I will bear the pain, because i love you.

Bear

T +09

Dear Piglet,

Talked to her last night on msn. She talked to me first. wasn't in a really good mood then. So i just poured everything out. Everything about how i don't know what her intentions are and if they are genuine or sincere when she talks to me. And also about how i'm afraid that i might seem to be pestering her and all. Well she said that she knows i am making effort not to contact her and all. but does she really know the full extent of this effort? daily or should i said hourly mental torture and flipping the phone and staring at the phone. grrr. Does she even know how hurt i was after the lunch thing. I guess like she said she will always have a soft spot for me. But it seems like during this whole process of recovering, i am needing her more than she need me. I guess she's moved on a little further than i have maybe. Or maybe i do not have as many friends as she does to help her. I do have some friends who are always there, but i guess i dun like to pour my worries to others and burden them.

Ok, promised to talk about somethings that i manage to rmb. Let's talk about venepuncture. Yes, we had to draw blood from each other to get this certificate thing. I managed to get blood in my second try. She tried twice and couldn't, so the next day she had to go back and try to redo it, and she didn't again. I rmb patting her on her back while walking towards campus centre where we parted because we had different lessons. I told her, let there be blood. xq was around, so a bit hard for me to give her a huge squeezy hug before. I went to meet her up to walk home together. I asked about venepuncture. she didn't reply and asked me not to say anything first. She started walking very fast. I walked her up to her house and then she opened the door and saw xq. she was in tears already, so she quickly pulled me away and came down to my room instead. There she sat, all in tears and i was so lost. I just kept trying to encourage her and tried to talk to her logically and about other plans. Like how she might need to delay her flight to go for venepuncture lessons. i kept consoling her and she just kept crying. My heart was aching so much seeing her lidat. I miss her running towards me like that. I miss holding her tightly and running my fingers through her hair to console her. I miss trying to pinch her cheeks and force a smile on her face. I miss putting her right where my heart is, holding her hands and telling her everything will be ok.

I miss you piglet.

Bear

T +08 - 3

Dear Piglet,

Its easier to leave than to have been abandoned.

Bear

T +08 - 2

Dear Piglet,

i wonder what you are doing now. I saw your name flicker on msn. I clicked on it, but you went offline. I wonder if you are appearing offline. But i didn't dare to talk to you, i don't want you to think i am annoying or that i am still hanging on (i very much am). And waiting for your sms if you intended to give one is torturous.

Bear

T +08

Dear Piglet,

hmm, i seem to be losing track of the day thingy, not sure if it changes after you edit it. will work on that later. yesterday was both a sad and then happy day. i guess my emotions are fluctuating so much, as much as a women in menopause would experience. happy parts first, had family reunion dinner, so it was good, an early one just for the sake of me who's leaving in less than a week's time. Good to see my second brother especially, he's just been workworkwork all the time, but he's always there in his own ways. Pity they left early. And then went to play mahjong with my nieces so that's not too bad, won 4 bucks. hahas. just for fun i guess.

Lunch was good, for the food and Amas' generosity. But it was bad, i dunnoe why, i was happy to see her there too, but still bad, at least for my heart i guess. When i called her to check where she was (i could have just called someone else and i really just wanted to hear her voice), she told me she weren't coming. i had a fair share of experience getting tricked by her. But i wasn't in the right mood to expect that. I guess i am not in a position to say that, nahhh you won't do that to me. so i was like, oh ok, then its ok, i call someone else. It hurt so bad saying that. But yeah, then she said she was there already. I couldn't even bring myself to smile already then. So i met her at the train station with amas and xq. It wasn't awkward, at least i tried not to appear awkward. I commented about her hair and stuff, showed her my gundam. But i felt like as if i was trying really hard to make conversation with her and i didn't even know if she cared or was interested. i kept going on, hoping it would be ok. but then her girlfriends arrived, so i was just there, talking to amas but obviously not concentrating, deep in other thoughts for that moment.

Well, i got to sit beside her, but i dunnoe if its because she sincerely wants to or cos she feels obligated because i told her i wanted to. I really dunnoe how she feels anymore. Its as if she's able to put on this cold iron metal gate in front of her and i just cannot get through. Then i start thinking, maybe i am not supposed to anymore. Is she keeping her promise of not to avoid me just because she promised and she doesn't want to hurt me, or does she really out of her heart wants to talk to me still. I am not expecting a lot i guess, i mean what else can i. I just want that familiarity when i talk to her. Oh wells, then i also come up with excuses for myself and for her, like ohhh, maybe cos its the first time we meet after so long. Sigh, i really dunnoe what to think anymore. We did talk a bit, but i just cannot discern whether they were true or superficial. Sigh, i dunnnoe anymore.

Towards the end, she talked to her gfs about melbourne and how they can like visit each other, stay over at each other's place on friday nights and what not. Ok, i dunnoe why, but that's what i used to do with her and it hurts when she's so excited about everything. Does she even know i am sitting next to her and that their whispering doesn't help? And then one of her friends started talking about how another broken up couple were doing and everything. sigh. i just felt destroyed then. now, i have become just another topic for gossip and chitchat i guess.

And one last thing, m offered a lift for anyone to cityhall of sorts. and she accepted it. and she walked away with him. I could have driven her anywhere and i did offer in advance, even before meeting. I no longer know how impt i am to her anymore.

I cried all the way driving home. It was hazardous.

Bear

I promised photos didn't i? she gave me these..

Gundam Virtue from 00.

Quite a good effort for a first timer i guess, i really like it.

Really? Still?

T +06

She replied! :)

T +06

Dear Piglet,

And i am still waiting, for the reply, no matter how short it would be even though i sent a longass sms. I am still waiting, still hoping. But for now, i will take it that its still early and that she slept as soundly as a piglet and would probably reply when she sees it later. I continue to wait.

I just read something from xy's tumblr, it says like, you never feel the love from the person when he or she tells you that they love you, but once they start saying they don't love you anymore, you can feel how much love is being sucked away from you. And that is really true i guess. That is exactly how i feel.

She's a fantastic gf, she's always there when i am feeling down, feeling sian, feeling stressed and all. When i was sick that day in melbourne, she came down to change wet towels on my forehead for me. She brought a glass fo redoxin cold drink for me, she made longan wintermelon drink for me, she would even accompany me to the hospital and the gp even when its late at night and that we should be revising for exams. She made sure i ate, she came down to check my temperature in the morning, she came down to put me to sleep. Even when i was well, she came to encourage me to work, to make up for lost time. And i did, i won her by one mark =D I hope i would fall sick again, so that she would do the same for me, but i guess it would never be the same again.

I want to do everything with/for you. I want to just drive 20+km down to your house to find you. I want to hold your hands in mine, stare at you and say that i have never felt like this before again. I want to perfect my driving skills with one hand while holding yours with my other hand. I want to lift you up and throw you down on the bed. I want to randomly fix meetings with you on msn. I want you, right now and i'm hurting real badly.

Will she sit beside me today? i really hope she does. Hopefully nobody comes and spoil things for me. I guess everyone else going later should have known that we broke up already and so i hope things wouldn't be awkward too. I just want to show her the gundam i just finished, i want to show her everything's that's happening in my life! ARGHHHH!

Bear

will put some pictures soon

T +05

Just a little introduction about why i have started this blog. I just broke up with someone i love dearly. We loved each other deeply but we had issues with our religion. I hope to channel some of my feelings through this blog and in doing so hope it helps me to cope everyday better. It has been a about a week since we have broken up. Issues that i might discuss here might be regarding religion of course as i try to find out more about them in search of my own faith, about memories of our relationship and anything else that i find significant.

Dear Piglet,

I feel crappy today, went out to kbox with mj to try to channel some of my heartbroken-ness into singing. Hebe's 寂寞寂寞就好 still remain one of my favourites for today, and of course my usual those of Jay Chou and all his emo songs. Did try to sing a few cheerful songs. But i guess all love songs are meant for those heartbroken people out there, and everything they sing of has an uncanny correlation to what i am experiencing now. I guess falling out of love gives people inspiration, just like how i decided to start this blog. One day i hope she will see this blog, but i am not sure when is the best time. maybe her birthday? yes, maybe 7 months from now. i really do not know what will happen 7 months from now, would we have moved on? will we get back together? will she be with someone new already? life is just full of questions and that's why we have to hold onto what's real and in front of us. we take for granted too many things, like our families. Sigh.

I am so tormented now, i am just constantly checking my phone and msn to see if she msged me or she's online. And then each time i am disappointed, i wonder if i should take the first step, to msg her, i already did send her an offline msg, just in case she's appearing offline and avoiding me. i dunnoe what i am going to do, i am going crazy already. would she think i am pestering her? i really hope not. i know there has to be some distance, but this is really unbearable.

I guess i took her for granted, too much man. i never did meet her everyday or text her everyday when we are back in Singapore. but now, i feel like doing anything in the world with her, of course, that's after losing her. I would even do battlestar galatica with her right away. (something that i never promised her) now i regret why i've been such a coward. Not bringing her home, not introducing her to my friends, not putting her photo with me as my facebook profile picture. I suck right. now that i want to do all these things i can't anymore.
失去了才会珍惜

Of course i have been pondering about conversion too. Ok, maybe not conversion, acceptance should be more apt. There are somethings, whether religious or not, that has been part of my life for so long and has allowed me to get to where i am now. My morals, principles and values i cannot forsake. She's a Christian, and i am a Buddhist. I was questioned about my faith, and i did not know much about my own. But i do know things, like i need to do good, honour and respect my parents, be filial to them, do no harm. I do know all these things and they don't have to be religious. And to be honest, maybe due to some bad experiences i had, i always was afraid to know more about christianity. But if God or Jesus really truly exists, i don't want to have missed the chance to know him. I try to pray sometimes, i pray for a sign and an obvious one to tell me what to do next. What i really want to know is what will happen of me and her. Will i still be with her? (i really want to) I guess i am still hoping for the sign to appear.

The next few posts (the first few) will be rather long i guess, since i have so much to say and i don't want to forget a single thing. I may have multiple post a day if it helps me cope but yup, signing off for now.

She still hasn't contacted me.

Hopefully she turns up for a gathering lunch we have tmr. I really want to see her, i miss her so badly. :(

Bear