Dear Piglet,
Today was a really tough day, i am just glad i got through it. Of course with some people around like beow and mj who was there with me and like yx who just came over to ask me if i was fine. She didn't even need to ask about what happened and i guess i really appreciated the concern. But sigh, toughtough day. It was only because of the heat that prevented me from crying. I saw all the people around, the familiar faces, but i just couldn't bring myself to go talk to people. I saw her of course, but she didn't look at me. Its as if i didn't exist i felt. But like i said, i shall generate excuses, she didn't mean it cos she missed her girlfriends too much and went to chat them up instead. She came really close at a point of time, i was hoping she could just come and tap me and say hi, i guess i should have really looked up. Another excuse, maybe she appears to be very cold cos she isn't comfortable talking to me with so many people around? I dunnoe, i didn't concentrate throughout the entire day. I just kept emo-ing. Good thing beow asked me to take a walk to campus centre, if not i would have just died. Even when after everything we were like walking towards the carpark i was like, should i just run up and talk to her or should i maintain that i will not contact her unless she contacts me first, issit a stupid thing?
In the afternoon, went to get the iphone stuff and it took so long, was supposed to go lunch with everyone (where i can hopefully talk to her) but we just missed it. I was damn sian as the hours go by cos it meant that my chances were dieing out. And then my phone went out of batt. But i guess it didn't mattered cos at the end of the day, she still didn't send me a msg or what. not even to say hi, what are u doing. I am not expecting you to say what hey dear i love you or what, its things like that that really makes me start to wonder about things, doubt things. sigh. hopefully we would still be good friends 6 months down the road, but for now, i guess i am just getting used to being disappointed, lowering my expectations and getting used to everything.
Went to play soccer after, was quite shiok. everyone must have been lazing around too much, we got tired really quick. But it was enjoyable because everyone was trying to get the ball. I was tired too, if not i would have vented all my stress and anger in the game. Well, i did when jem was trying to shout at me to do better. i just kept kicking with all my energy i can find. and of course, with some of my favorite vulgarities. i ended up scoring two goals, all very lucky or not kind. Some nice shots i thought but shots will remain as shots unless they get in. Good venting everything out. Felt really good, hopefully we will get to do this more. Then Tim drove me home, while on the way to pick sasha we talked a bit, i was happy that he talked to me about it. Maybe cos i really treat him as somebody who i can really turn to for advice. And maybe also because he's christian, and maybe because he's also in a similar situation i guess. Sad that we couldn't have talked more. Would really want to know him better this year now that we are close by. Well, he did say that when he talked to her, it seemed like the our relationship was quite a serious one. But i guess, after what nic has said, i am starting to wonder, if she really loved me, wouldn't she have done more to try to keep me? Like tell me its an issue and give me some options for negotiation and compromise, rather than just break up with me like that. I am starting to wonder if she did it because maybe there's something else about me she couldn't accept? Like maybe me being too sticky, or not telling my parents about it and that the religion thing was just an excuse? I dunnoe. Sasha said i should gather all my questions and ask her out to talk about it. should i?
Even if i did, i probably only just wanted her to be close by.
Bear
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
T +14
Dear Piglet,
Today is one day after i am back in melbourne, life seems destined for a great change, the food portions, the transportation system, the weather, and without her. But i will pull through i hope. met her today with her housemates, when they came over to find us to go to the city to get some food. was really glad to see her all safe and sound. she seems find, but just a bit tired. While making our way to the city, we talked quite a bit, so its rather heartening that we could still talk like last time. well, i am pretty clear of the lines i cannot cross, so i was actually glad that we could talk like that. made me feel more comfortable being just friends with her, the same old fang i knew all this while. we will jack each other, say insensitive remarks to each other and all. she even slapped me on the back. tsktsk, will get back at you one day.
She then told me about nicole talking to her, didn't tell me much of the contents of their conversation. She just keeps harping that nic is a really good friend and all. oh wells, what have u done nic, i really hope she doesn't know about this blog thingy and the fact that i haven't been coping well the past few days. Today is much better, like yesterday too i guess. maybe its cos i have been talking to her and seeing her today of course. I guess what she didn't know that keeping in touch with her made me feel better. Not the kind of feel that everything's not over and still the same kind of normal, but the i am glad we can still be like that without being together kind of normal. So yeah, it helps me believe that we can still have a friendship that is as special as before we told each other our feelings. Yup, so i guess i am happy these two days, i am more certain that i haven't lost her completely. This is actually not an emo post then.
Then we went to her place, me and beow, and i really want to thank beow for going with me, even when he might be thinking that he's a bit extra, but i guess it was more a courage or comfort booster of sorts that he's there too. terribly sorry for all the trouble so far, but i will definitely be nice to him in the days to come. I just spent the entire evening helping or watching her unpack. Really enjoyable though i should really have been home packing my own stuff. But who cares. I get to see her and talk to her, that's all's impt now. Her room does feel really cosy and omg PINK. So much pink, thinking of buying her a pink rubbish bin or something. if she puts on the pooh bedsheets i bought for her it will be even omg pink. Hope she's feeling well today having sneezed so much, either the dust or missing me too much. hahahas. she was tired for a bit, so i made her sit down and we played angry birds on her tablet. Pretty fun lar, makes me want to get one myself too. i shall just be patient and wait for my iphone. Oh and just for the record, she said she likes the piglet i gave her more than the one she got from another guyfriend. So i guess i win again. hahas. Sigh. I am glad we tried and i still do love her very much. Oh dear, what am i to do now.
Oh and yesterday she called me before she boarded the plane, i requested it. But she seems rather willing (for lack of a better word) to, and we were just like talking about anything. I was so tired waiting though, like at 130am then she called. but i was too anxious waiting i stayed awake despite dozing off all the way since 1230. and then she called again when she reached. I am hoping that this was like when we were together. But then again i am glad we can still do things like that happily even if we weren't together. Oh wells, i am one confused person.
special thanks to sandi who came over to do random stuff and just accompanying a lost soul like me. and of course, nicole if u did put in a few good words for me, all my classmates who came to send me off david tingfu andy and nic. and xy for all your hey are you ok and concern. Beow for being such a great friend and always being there.
I am so much happier today, in ying's terms, maybe 1 percent today :)
But piglet, you have no idea how much i missed you and i love you :):):)
Bear
Today is one day after i am back in melbourne, life seems destined for a great change, the food portions, the transportation system, the weather, and without her. But i will pull through i hope. met her today with her housemates, when they came over to find us to go to the city to get some food. was really glad to see her all safe and sound. she seems find, but just a bit tired. While making our way to the city, we talked quite a bit, so its rather heartening that we could still talk like last time. well, i am pretty clear of the lines i cannot cross, so i was actually glad that we could talk like that. made me feel more comfortable being just friends with her, the same old fang i knew all this while. we will jack each other, say insensitive remarks to each other and all. she even slapped me on the back. tsktsk, will get back at you one day.
She then told me about nicole talking to her, didn't tell me much of the contents of their conversation. She just keeps harping that nic is a really good friend and all. oh wells, what have u done nic, i really hope she doesn't know about this blog thingy and the fact that i haven't been coping well the past few days. Today is much better, like yesterday too i guess. maybe its cos i have been talking to her and seeing her today of course. I guess what she didn't know that keeping in touch with her made me feel better. Not the kind of feel that everything's not over and still the same kind of normal, but the i am glad we can still be like that without being together kind of normal. So yeah, it helps me believe that we can still have a friendship that is as special as before we told each other our feelings. Yup, so i guess i am happy these two days, i am more certain that i haven't lost her completely. This is actually not an emo post then.
Then we went to her place, me and beow, and i really want to thank beow for going with me, even when he might be thinking that he's a bit extra, but i guess it was more a courage or comfort booster of sorts that he's there too. terribly sorry for all the trouble so far, but i will definitely be nice to him in the days to come. I just spent the entire evening helping or watching her unpack. Really enjoyable though i should really have been home packing my own stuff. But who cares. I get to see her and talk to her, that's all's impt now. Her room does feel really cosy and omg PINK. So much pink, thinking of buying her a pink rubbish bin or something. if she puts on the pooh bedsheets i bought for her it will be even omg pink. Hope she's feeling well today having sneezed so much, either the dust or missing me too much. hahahas. she was tired for a bit, so i made her sit down and we played angry birds on her tablet. Pretty fun lar, makes me want to get one myself too. i shall just be patient and wait for my iphone. Oh and just for the record, she said she likes the piglet i gave her more than the one she got from another guyfriend. So i guess i win again. hahas. Sigh. I am glad we tried and i still do love her very much. Oh dear, what am i to do now.
Oh and yesterday she called me before she boarded the plane, i requested it. But she seems rather willing (for lack of a better word) to, and we were just like talking about anything. I was so tired waiting though, like at 130am then she called. but i was too anxious waiting i stayed awake despite dozing off all the way since 1230. and then she called again when she reached. I am hoping that this was like when we were together. But then again i am glad we can still do things like that happily even if we weren't together. Oh wells, i am one confused person.
special thanks to sandi who came over to do random stuff and just accompanying a lost soul like me. and of course, nicole if u did put in a few good words for me, all my classmates who came to send me off david tingfu andy and nic. and xy for all your hey are you ok and concern. Beow for being such a great friend and always being there.
I am so much happier today, in ying's terms, maybe 1 percent today :)
But piglet, you have no idea how much i missed you and i love you :):):)
Bear
Thursday, January 27, 2011
T +12
Dear Piglet,
Sigh, its day 12 already, wasn't able to put a post for day 11 cos i was out late. Went to meet 3 other friends since 8pm till now. Talked to cas about the whole thing. Everyone's like her, asking me to stay strong and all but its just so hard. My eyes still well up in tears sometimes thinking about it. I really really hope being at Alfred will overwhelm me so much that i can't even catch my breath. I really really still hope that we will be together again. Nic's heartbroken too, but she still managed to get me to still try to go to church with her and everything. she's probably the only person encouraging me in this direction. Everyone else is just like, move on bernard. But the thing is i dun want to regret. Life's too short for unhappiness and regrets. And like i told cas, i may seem ok, still smiling and all, but my heart's frowning, i just dun show it. Just like you should already know.
Going to fly back tmr already, instead of wondering about transport, money or whatever, i am worried about whether she would call me or should i call her just before i fly. When she flies, would she call me too? would she know that i am worried and that i want to know that she's boarding or she's landing? i'm really hopeless. now i dun even have somebody to watch the green hornet with. Somebody who will watch anything i want to watch. i know you will critisize my dear jay chou and all throughout the movie, but u will still say something nice in the end just to make me happy.
Once she was going to prepare dinner. Tacos and meat with tomato sauced marinade with lettece and sour cream. She cooked everything already except the tacos. She claimed that the tacos weren't hot enough in the oven. So i suggested putting it in the grill for a faster effect. And then, for all we knew, the whole stove started to catch fire and smoke was bellowing out from every hole on the stove. She was like stunned, and was going to like ask me to get the fire extinguisher. but then i thought, fire extinguisher need to break safety seal and breaking the safety seal will mean probably a report and investigation, so i just scooped some water and splashed it over. when the fire was out, it didn't only mean that our dinner was destroyed, it meant a lot of scrubbing to do, to clean the black stains on the white stove. Luckily, we quickly dealt with that, with some fanfare in her house also. xq and felita came to view our disaster. We managed to scramble some food together, like garlic bread and a very awful carrot cake i bought from the asian grocer. her first time seeing a fire like that, and of cos a first one for me to see something being burnt so spontaneously. From then on, we never really dared to use the grill without opening the cover. It was so shocking to her i guess she even wrote it in her diary. Just something worth rmbering i guess.
Bear
Sigh, its day 12 already, wasn't able to put a post for day 11 cos i was out late. Went to meet 3 other friends since 8pm till now. Talked to cas about the whole thing. Everyone's like her, asking me to stay strong and all but its just so hard. My eyes still well up in tears sometimes thinking about it. I really really hope being at Alfred will overwhelm me so much that i can't even catch my breath. I really really still hope that we will be together again. Nic's heartbroken too, but she still managed to get me to still try to go to church with her and everything. she's probably the only person encouraging me in this direction. Everyone else is just like, move on bernard. But the thing is i dun want to regret. Life's too short for unhappiness and regrets. And like i told cas, i may seem ok, still smiling and all, but my heart's frowning, i just dun show it. Just like you should already know.
Going to fly back tmr already, instead of wondering about transport, money or whatever, i am worried about whether she would call me or should i call her just before i fly. When she flies, would she call me too? would she know that i am worried and that i want to know that she's boarding or she's landing? i'm really hopeless. now i dun even have somebody to watch the green hornet with. Somebody who will watch anything i want to watch. i know you will critisize my dear jay chou and all throughout the movie, but u will still say something nice in the end just to make me happy.
Once she was going to prepare dinner. Tacos and meat with tomato sauced marinade with lettece and sour cream. She cooked everything already except the tacos. She claimed that the tacos weren't hot enough in the oven. So i suggested putting it in the grill for a faster effect. And then, for all we knew, the whole stove started to catch fire and smoke was bellowing out from every hole on the stove. She was like stunned, and was going to like ask me to get the fire extinguisher. but then i thought, fire extinguisher need to break safety seal and breaking the safety seal will mean probably a report and investigation, so i just scooped some water and splashed it over. when the fire was out, it didn't only mean that our dinner was destroyed, it meant a lot of scrubbing to do, to clean the black stains on the white stove. Luckily, we quickly dealt with that, with some fanfare in her house also. xq and felita came to view our disaster. We managed to scramble some food together, like garlic bread and a very awful carrot cake i bought from the asian grocer. her first time seeing a fire like that, and of cos a first one for me to see something being burnt so spontaneously. From then on, we never really dared to use the grill without opening the cover. It was so shocking to her i guess she even wrote it in her diary. Just something worth rmbering i guess.
Bear
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
T +10
Dear Piglet,
I'm sorry i keep unloading all my sorrows onto you. But you always knew how to make me feel better. I'm glad u understood how i felt and i hope that when you are ready for us to be friends again that you wouldn't have changed a single bit. I was secretly happy when u said that you felt that u still liked me during the lunch gathering. I always give u what u want, at least most of the time. you want a breakup, i accepted it, you need time, i will give you time, you need distance i will pull myself away. But i really hope that my one small request, that you will still be the same fang that i can rely and depend on albeit not as a girlfriend anymore, you will grant me. If you forget me completely, a part of me would have died along with you.
Once you've moved on with your life and that i know i didn't lose you completely, i will then move on with mine.
I will bear the pain, because i love you.
Bear
I'm sorry i keep unloading all my sorrows onto you. But you always knew how to make me feel better. I'm glad u understood how i felt and i hope that when you are ready for us to be friends again that you wouldn't have changed a single bit. I was secretly happy when u said that you felt that u still liked me during the lunch gathering. I always give u what u want, at least most of the time. you want a breakup, i accepted it, you need time, i will give you time, you need distance i will pull myself away. But i really hope that my one small request, that you will still be the same fang that i can rely and depend on albeit not as a girlfriend anymore, you will grant me. If you forget me completely, a part of me would have died along with you.
Once you've moved on with your life and that i know i didn't lose you completely, i will then move on with mine.
I will bear the pain, because i love you.
Bear
Monday, January 24, 2011
T +09
Dear Piglet,
Talked to her last night on msn. She talked to me first. wasn't in a really good mood then. So i just poured everything out. Everything about how i don't know what her intentions are and if they are genuine or sincere when she talks to me. And also about how i'm afraid that i might seem to be pestering her and all. Well she said that she knows i am making effort not to contact her and all. but does she really know the full extent of this effort? daily or should i said hourly mental torture and flipping the phone and staring at the phone. grrr. Does she even know how hurt i was after the lunch thing. I guess like she said she will always have a soft spot for me. But it seems like during this whole process of recovering, i am needing her more than she need me. I guess she's moved on a little further than i have maybe. Or maybe i do not have as many friends as she does to help her. I do have some friends who are always there, but i guess i dun like to pour my worries to others and burden them.
Ok, promised to talk about somethings that i manage to rmb. Let's talk about venepuncture. Yes, we had to draw blood from each other to get this certificate thing. I managed to get blood in my second try. She tried twice and couldn't, so the next day she had to go back and try to redo it, and she didn't again. I rmb patting her on her back while walking towards campus centre where we parted because we had different lessons. I told her, let there be blood. xq was around, so a bit hard for me to give her a huge squeezy hug before. I went to meet her up to walk home together. I asked about venepuncture. she didn't reply and asked me not to say anything first. She started walking very fast. I walked her up to her house and then she opened the door and saw xq. she was in tears already, so she quickly pulled me away and came down to my room instead. There she sat, all in tears and i was so lost. I just kept trying to encourage her and tried to talk to her logically and about other plans. Like how she might need to delay her flight to go for venepuncture lessons. i kept consoling her and she just kept crying. My heart was aching so much seeing her lidat. I miss her running towards me like that. I miss holding her tightly and running my fingers through her hair to console her. I miss trying to pinch her cheeks and force a smile on her face. I miss putting her right where my heart is, holding her hands and telling her everything will be ok.
I miss you piglet.
Bear
Talked to her last night on msn. She talked to me first. wasn't in a really good mood then. So i just poured everything out. Everything about how i don't know what her intentions are and if they are genuine or sincere when she talks to me. And also about how i'm afraid that i might seem to be pestering her and all. Well she said that she knows i am making effort not to contact her and all. but does she really know the full extent of this effort? daily or should i said hourly mental torture and flipping the phone and staring at the phone. grrr. Does she even know how hurt i was after the lunch thing. I guess like she said she will always have a soft spot for me. But it seems like during this whole process of recovering, i am needing her more than she need me. I guess she's moved on a little further than i have maybe. Or maybe i do not have as many friends as she does to help her. I do have some friends who are always there, but i guess i dun like to pour my worries to others and burden them.
Ok, promised to talk about somethings that i manage to rmb. Let's talk about venepuncture. Yes, we had to draw blood from each other to get this certificate thing. I managed to get blood in my second try. She tried twice and couldn't, so the next day she had to go back and try to redo it, and she didn't again. I rmb patting her on her back while walking towards campus centre where we parted because we had different lessons. I told her, let there be blood. xq was around, so a bit hard for me to give her a huge squeezy hug before. I went to meet her up to walk home together. I asked about venepuncture. she didn't reply and asked me not to say anything first. She started walking very fast. I walked her up to her house and then she opened the door and saw xq. she was in tears already, so she quickly pulled me away and came down to my room instead. There she sat, all in tears and i was so lost. I just kept trying to encourage her and tried to talk to her logically and about other plans. Like how she might need to delay her flight to go for venepuncture lessons. i kept consoling her and she just kept crying. My heart was aching so much seeing her lidat. I miss her running towards me like that. I miss holding her tightly and running my fingers through her hair to console her. I miss trying to pinch her cheeks and force a smile on her face. I miss putting her right where my heart is, holding her hands and telling her everything will be ok.
I miss you piglet.
Bear
Sunday, January 23, 2011
T +08 - 2
Dear Piglet,
i wonder what you are doing now. I saw your name flicker on msn. I clicked on it, but you went offline. I wonder if you are appearing offline. But i didn't dare to talk to you, i don't want you to think i am annoying or that i am still hanging on (i very much am). And waiting for your sms if you intended to give one is torturous.
Bear
i wonder what you are doing now. I saw your name flicker on msn. I clicked on it, but you went offline. I wonder if you are appearing offline. But i didn't dare to talk to you, i don't want you to think i am annoying or that i am still hanging on (i very much am). And waiting for your sms if you intended to give one is torturous.
Bear
T +08
Dear Piglet,
hmm, i seem to be losing track of the day thingy, not sure if it changes after you edit it. will work on that later. yesterday was both a sad and then happy day. i guess my emotions are fluctuating so much, as much as a women in menopause would experience. happy parts first, had family reunion dinner, so it was good, an early one just for the sake of me who's leaving in less than a week's time. Good to see my second brother especially, he's just been workworkwork all the time, but he's always there in his own ways. Pity they left early. And then went to play mahjong with my nieces so that's not too bad, won 4 bucks. hahas. just for fun i guess.
Lunch was good, for the food and Amas' generosity. But it was bad, i dunnoe why, i was happy to see her there too, but still bad, at least for my heart i guess. When i called her to check where she was (i could have just called someone else and i really just wanted to hear her voice), she told me she weren't coming. i had a fair share of experience getting tricked by her. But i wasn't in the right mood to expect that. I guess i am not in a position to say that, nahhh you won't do that to me. so i was like, oh ok, then its ok, i call someone else. It hurt so bad saying that. But yeah, then she said she was there already. I couldn't even bring myself to smile already then. So i met her at the train station with amas and xq. It wasn't awkward, at least i tried not to appear awkward. I commented about her hair and stuff, showed her my gundam. But i felt like as if i was trying really hard to make conversation with her and i didn't even know if she cared or was interested. i kept going on, hoping it would be ok. but then her girlfriends arrived, so i was just there, talking to amas but obviously not concentrating, deep in other thoughts for that moment.
Well, i got to sit beside her, but i dunnoe if its because she sincerely wants to or cos she feels obligated because i told her i wanted to. I really dunnoe how she feels anymore. Its as if she's able to put on this cold iron metal gate in front of her and i just cannot get through. Then i start thinking, maybe i am not supposed to anymore. Is she keeping her promise of not to avoid me just because she promised and she doesn't want to hurt me, or does she really out of her heart wants to talk to me still. I am not expecting a lot i guess, i mean what else can i. I just want that familiarity when i talk to her. Oh wells, then i also come up with excuses for myself and for her, like ohhh, maybe cos its the first time we meet after so long. Sigh, i really dunnoe what to think anymore. We did talk a bit, but i just cannot discern whether they were true or superficial. Sigh, i dunnnoe anymore.
Towards the end, she talked to her gfs about melbourne and how they can like visit each other, stay over at each other's place on friday nights and what not. Ok, i dunnoe why, but that's what i used to do with her and it hurts when she's so excited about everything. Does she even know i am sitting next to her and that their whispering doesn't help? And then one of her friends started talking about how another broken up couple were doing and everything. sigh. i just felt destroyed then. now, i have become just another topic for gossip and chitchat i guess.
And one last thing, m offered a lift for anyone to cityhall of sorts. and she accepted it. and she walked away with him. I could have driven her anywhere and i did offer in advance, even before meeting. I no longer know how impt i am to her anymore.
I cried all the way driving home. It was hazardous.
Bear
I promised photos didn't i? she gave me these..
Really? Still?
hmm, i seem to be losing track of the day thingy, not sure if it changes after you edit it. will work on that later. yesterday was both a sad and then happy day. i guess my emotions are fluctuating so much, as much as a women in menopause would experience. happy parts first, had family reunion dinner, so it was good, an early one just for the sake of me who's leaving in less than a week's time. Good to see my second brother especially, he's just been workworkwork all the time, but he's always there in his own ways. Pity they left early. And then went to play mahjong with my nieces so that's not too bad, won 4 bucks. hahas. just for fun i guess.
Lunch was good, for the food and Amas' generosity. But it was bad, i dunnoe why, i was happy to see her there too, but still bad, at least for my heart i guess. When i called her to check where she was (i could have just called someone else and i really just wanted to hear her voice), she told me she weren't coming. i had a fair share of experience getting tricked by her. But i wasn't in the right mood to expect that. I guess i am not in a position to say that, nahhh you won't do that to me. so i was like, oh ok, then its ok, i call someone else. It hurt so bad saying that. But yeah, then she said she was there already. I couldn't even bring myself to smile already then. So i met her at the train station with amas and xq. It wasn't awkward, at least i tried not to appear awkward. I commented about her hair and stuff, showed her my gundam. But i felt like as if i was trying really hard to make conversation with her and i didn't even know if she cared or was interested. i kept going on, hoping it would be ok. but then her girlfriends arrived, so i was just there, talking to amas but obviously not concentrating, deep in other thoughts for that moment.
Well, i got to sit beside her, but i dunnoe if its because she sincerely wants to or cos she feels obligated because i told her i wanted to. I really dunnoe how she feels anymore. Its as if she's able to put on this cold iron metal gate in front of her and i just cannot get through. Then i start thinking, maybe i am not supposed to anymore. Is she keeping her promise of not to avoid me just because she promised and she doesn't want to hurt me, or does she really out of her heart wants to talk to me still. I am not expecting a lot i guess, i mean what else can i. I just want that familiarity when i talk to her. Oh wells, then i also come up with excuses for myself and for her, like ohhh, maybe cos its the first time we meet after so long. Sigh, i really dunnoe what to think anymore. We did talk a bit, but i just cannot discern whether they were true or superficial. Sigh, i dunnnoe anymore.
Towards the end, she talked to her gfs about melbourne and how they can like visit each other, stay over at each other's place on friday nights and what not. Ok, i dunnoe why, but that's what i used to do with her and it hurts when she's so excited about everything. Does she even know i am sitting next to her and that their whispering doesn't help? And then one of her friends started talking about how another broken up couple were doing and everything. sigh. i just felt destroyed then. now, i have become just another topic for gossip and chitchat i guess.
And one last thing, m offered a lift for anyone to cityhall of sorts. and she accepted it. and she walked away with him. I could have driven her anywhere and i did offer in advance, even before meeting. I no longer know how impt i am to her anymore.
I cried all the way driving home. It was hazardous.
Bear
I promised photos didn't i? she gave me these..
Gundam Virtue from 00.
Quite a good effort for a first timer i guess, i really like it.
Really? Still?Saturday, January 22, 2011
T +06
Dear Piglet,
And i am still waiting, for the reply, no matter how short it would be even though i sent a longass sms. I am still waiting, still hoping. But for now, i will take it that its still early and that she slept as soundly as a piglet and would probably reply when she sees it later. I continue to wait.
I just read something from xy's tumblr, it says like, you never feel the love from the person when he or she tells you that they love you, but once they start saying they don't love you anymore, you can feel how much love is being sucked away from you. And that is really true i guess. That is exactly how i feel.
She's a fantastic gf, she's always there when i am feeling down, feeling sian, feeling stressed and all. When i was sick that day in melbourne, she came down to change wet towels on my forehead for me. She brought a glass fo redoxin cold drink for me, she made longan wintermelon drink for me, she would even accompany me to the hospital and the gp even when its late at night and that we should be revising for exams. She made sure i ate, she came down to check my temperature in the morning, she came down to put me to sleep. Even when i was well, she came to encourage me to work, to make up for lost time. And i did, i won her by one mark =D I hope i would fall sick again, so that she would do the same for me, but i guess it would never be the same again.
I want to do everything with/for you. I want to just drive 20+km down to your house to find you. I want to hold your hands in mine, stare at you and say that i have never felt like this before again. I want to perfect my driving skills with one hand while holding yours with my other hand. I want to lift you up and throw you down on the bed. I want to randomly fix meetings with you on msn. I want you, right now and i'm hurting real badly.
Will she sit beside me today? i really hope she does. Hopefully nobody comes and spoil things for me. I guess everyone else going later should have known that we broke up already and so i hope things wouldn't be awkward too. I just want to show her the gundam i just finished, i want to show her everything's that's happening in my life! ARGHHHH!
Bear
will put some pictures soon
And i am still waiting, for the reply, no matter how short it would be even though i sent a longass sms. I am still waiting, still hoping. But for now, i will take it that its still early and that she slept as soundly as a piglet and would probably reply when she sees it later. I continue to wait.
I just read something from xy's tumblr, it says like, you never feel the love from the person when he or she tells you that they love you, but once they start saying they don't love you anymore, you can feel how much love is being sucked away from you. And that is really true i guess. That is exactly how i feel.
She's a fantastic gf, she's always there when i am feeling down, feeling sian, feeling stressed and all. When i was sick that day in melbourne, she came down to change wet towels on my forehead for me. She brought a glass fo redoxin cold drink for me, she made longan wintermelon drink for me, she would even accompany me to the hospital and the gp even when its late at night and that we should be revising for exams. She made sure i ate, she came down to check my temperature in the morning, she came down to put me to sleep. Even when i was well, she came to encourage me to work, to make up for lost time. And i did, i won her by one mark =D I hope i would fall sick again, so that she would do the same for me, but i guess it would never be the same again.
I want to do everything with/for you. I want to just drive 20+km down to your house to find you. I want to hold your hands in mine, stare at you and say that i have never felt like this before again. I want to perfect my driving skills with one hand while holding yours with my other hand. I want to lift you up and throw you down on the bed. I want to randomly fix meetings with you on msn. I want you, right now and i'm hurting real badly.
Will she sit beside me today? i really hope she does. Hopefully nobody comes and spoil things for me. I guess everyone else going later should have known that we broke up already and so i hope things wouldn't be awkward too. I just want to show her the gundam i just finished, i want to show her everything's that's happening in my life! ARGHHHH!
Bear
will put some pictures soon
Friday, January 21, 2011
T +05
Just a little introduction about why i have started this blog. I just broke up with someone i love dearly. We loved each other deeply but we had issues with our religion. I hope to channel some of my feelings through this blog and in doing so hope it helps me to cope everyday better. It has been a about a week since we have broken up. Issues that i might discuss here might be regarding religion of course as i try to find out more about them in search of my own faith, about memories of our relationship and anything else that i find significant.
Dear Piglet,
I feel crappy today, went out to kbox with mj to try to channel some of my heartbroken-ness into singing. Hebe's 寂寞寂寞就好 still remain one of my favourites for today, and of course my usual those of Jay Chou and all his emo songs. Did try to sing a few cheerful songs. But i guess all love songs are meant for those heartbroken people out there, and everything they sing of has an uncanny correlation to what i am experiencing now. I guess falling out of love gives people inspiration, just like how i decided to start this blog. One day i hope she will see this blog, but i am not sure when is the best time. maybe her birthday? yes, maybe 7 months from now. i really do not know what will happen 7 months from now, would we have moved on? will we get back together? will she be with someone new already? life is just full of questions and that's why we have to hold onto what's real and in front of us. we take for granted too many things, like our families. Sigh.
I am so tormented now, i am just constantly checking my phone and msn to see if she msged me or she's online. And then each time i am disappointed, i wonder if i should take the first step, to msg her, i already did send her an offline msg, just in case she's appearing offline and avoiding me. i dunnoe what i am going to do, i am going crazy already. would she think i am pestering her? i really hope not. i know there has to be some distance, but this is really unbearable.
I guess i took her for granted, too much man. i never did meet her everyday or text her everyday when we are back in Singapore. but now, i feel like doing anything in the world with her, of course, that's after losing her. I would even do battlestar galatica with her right away. (something that i never promised her) now i regret why i've been such a coward. Not bringing her home, not introducing her to my friends, not putting her photo with me as my facebook profile picture. I suck right. now that i want to do all these things i can't anymore.
失去了才会珍惜
Of course i have been pondering about conversion too. Ok, maybe not conversion, acceptance should be more apt. There are somethings, whether religious or not, that has been part of my life for so long and has allowed me to get to where i am now. My morals, principles and values i cannot forsake. She's a Christian, and i am a Buddhist. I was questioned about my faith, and i did not know much about my own. But i do know things, like i need to do good, honour and respect my parents, be filial to them, do no harm. I do know all these things and they don't have to be religious. And to be honest, maybe due to some bad experiences i had, i always was afraid to know more about christianity. But if God or Jesus really truly exists, i don't want to have missed the chance to know him. I try to pray sometimes, i pray for a sign and an obvious one to tell me what to do next. What i really want to know is what will happen of me and her. Will i still be with her? (i really want to) I guess i am still hoping for the sign to appear.
The next few posts (the first few) will be rather long i guess, since i have so much to say and i don't want to forget a single thing. I may have multiple post a day if it helps me cope but yup, signing off for now.
She still hasn't contacted me.
Hopefully she turns up for a gathering lunch we have tmr. I really want to see her, i miss her so badly. :(
Bear
Dear Piglet,
I feel crappy today, went out to kbox with mj to try to channel some of my heartbroken-ness into singing. Hebe's 寂寞寂寞就好 still remain one of my favourites for today, and of course my usual those of Jay Chou and all his emo songs. Did try to sing a few cheerful songs. But i guess all love songs are meant for those heartbroken people out there, and everything they sing of has an uncanny correlation to what i am experiencing now. I guess falling out of love gives people inspiration, just like how i decided to start this blog. One day i hope she will see this blog, but i am not sure when is the best time. maybe her birthday? yes, maybe 7 months from now. i really do not know what will happen 7 months from now, would we have moved on? will we get back together? will she be with someone new already? life is just full of questions and that's why we have to hold onto what's real and in front of us. we take for granted too many things, like our families. Sigh.
I am so tormented now, i am just constantly checking my phone and msn to see if she msged me or she's online. And then each time i am disappointed, i wonder if i should take the first step, to msg her, i already did send her an offline msg, just in case she's appearing offline and avoiding me. i dunnoe what i am going to do, i am going crazy already. would she think i am pestering her? i really hope not. i know there has to be some distance, but this is really unbearable.
I guess i took her for granted, too much man. i never did meet her everyday or text her everyday when we are back in Singapore. but now, i feel like doing anything in the world with her, of course, that's after losing her. I would even do battlestar galatica with her right away. (something that i never promised her) now i regret why i've been such a coward. Not bringing her home, not introducing her to my friends, not putting her photo with me as my facebook profile picture. I suck right. now that i want to do all these things i can't anymore.
失去了才会珍惜
Of course i have been pondering about conversion too. Ok, maybe not conversion, acceptance should be more apt. There are somethings, whether religious or not, that has been part of my life for so long and has allowed me to get to where i am now. My morals, principles and values i cannot forsake. She's a Christian, and i am a Buddhist. I was questioned about my faith, and i did not know much about my own. But i do know things, like i need to do good, honour and respect my parents, be filial to them, do no harm. I do know all these things and they don't have to be religious. And to be honest, maybe due to some bad experiences i had, i always was afraid to know more about christianity. But if God or Jesus really truly exists, i don't want to have missed the chance to know him. I try to pray sometimes, i pray for a sign and an obvious one to tell me what to do next. What i really want to know is what will happen of me and her. Will i still be with her? (i really want to) I guess i am still hoping for the sign to appear.
The next few posts (the first few) will be rather long i guess, since i have so much to say and i don't want to forget a single thing. I may have multiple post a day if it helps me cope but yup, signing off for now.
She still hasn't contacted me.
Hopefully she turns up for a gathering lunch we have tmr. I really want to see her, i miss her so badly. :(
Bear
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