Dear Piglet,
I haven't been blogging for about 2 weeks already. I have really been trying to find time, and trying to distract myself maybe, just to stay away from emotional crap for a bit. When i get emotional, its really debilitating. And for the past two weeks, i have been a emo nemo for so many times. i shall try to type as much as i can for now. I really wanted to share a lot for the past two weeks, but i guess i am jsut trying to cope with getting my work on the list ticked off.
Anyway, first alcohol free week had passed, my liver must be so happy, and my AST and ALT should be back to its normal levels. Craving for some moscato now.
that day when we went for moomba, was both a happy and sad day. I was so happy that somehow, things panned out to be such that you were at my place studying and we went to moomba together. It just seemed so real and so nice if we were together. Not sure if you were really studying, but i wasn't really u know. i was just staring at you from behind and thinking about things. At least we got to talk about stuff. It just felt so right and yet sometimes so different. You cannot imagine how many times i had to stop myself from putting that hand round your shoulder while we were walking in the rain. Its just that intrinsic familiarity i guess?
And btw, i really hoped we could have won something so that you can walk around with it. I really wanted that. But curse our luck. It didn't help when beow and mj were so lovey dovey and yowie was just snapping so much photos for his gf. Made me feel like crap. and when we were listening to the life performance at the grass place. i cried on several occasions, had to stop when yowie or beow or mj was talking to me. Hopefully they didn't see it. It just felt different i guess? in that there seems to be something missing already, not there anymore. Maybe it was just us being cautious with our words and actions, but i just didn't feel like we can speak our minds honestly to each other. Like there was something different. So much for time and distance and still wanting to be friends huh. This IS my worst fear. And i can only hope, and pray if you like, that it will just be as before when we are ready to be friends.
When i went home, i sat down beside mj, and i just burst into tears. It still hurts the same, and i cry as easily as i did 2 months ago. But i guess, i am just trying to stop myself from becoming emo so that i get more functionality out of my life to dedicate in my work, as i've told you that work is above all. It hurt so much that night, i just doused myself with vodka again, and made myself numb to the pain before i could sleep.
But i guess, i can manage my good days and bad days better, i have more control over that background noise at the back of my brain asking me to be emo and wallow in self pity. More control=good. At least i can spend some proper time sitting down to cover a chapter of work. I dunnoe how are you holding up. we never talk about us anymore. but i guess with mum around and friends coming soon, you should be pretty alright. but meh, i want you to hurt to so badly sometimes. Its just me being selfish and not doing anything about that thought. oh wells, i have been forsaken already. and i really do not have any more faith in love anymore. its just disastrous for me to think of having to be so dependent on someone. When that person leaves, it just leaves a gaping hole in your life. Its like a vaccum in me and i am being crushed.
But, i shall reiterate, i never regret this relationship with you. never, because i was truly happy with you.
Religion wise, i am making my own progress in seeking the truth. there has been many helpful people along the way. Some days, it appeals to me, some days, maybe not. i guess, i will have to experience Him myself for sometime before i know when i have an answer. Its a touchy thing, and people will judge me for whatever decision i make. But it has to overcome my conscience. I've still been asking tonnes of questions in alpha, and i really encourage people to question their religion, not as a way to make you drift away, but for you to really find out why you believe. And most importantly, i will not forsake family. You can say that without God, there wouldn't be you or even your family. but i know, with all the evidence and proof in this mortal living material world, that without my family, not jsut for the fact that they gave birth to me, but for them bringing me up to where i am, i wouldn't have existed, both physically and my identity. Do you think its fair for me to go to such crazy lengths to find out if i can meet you halfway, all almost all the way, when you don't try to move a little? sigh, but this isn't for you anyway is it, all my actions would not have moved you right?
my life's in pieces.
Bear
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
T +53
Dear Piglet,
today i just had my first session of the alpha course. Met a few people like minsuk, scott, david and lou. Lou's a pastor participating in the course and they all happened to be in my group. Watched a video where the speaker tried to validate the existence of God, Jesus and the Bible itself. hmmm, i'm not convinced totally. Most of his arguments are based from the New Testament itself. If the existence of the Bible weren't true, his arguments would have felled utterly. But how could one totally negate its existence after its influence on so many people's lives and that it has existed throughout the whole of the past 2000 years.
Somethings Lou said that i thought should be written down for future personal reference. He tried to explain how Christianity was different from Islam and Judaism in that the latter two follow a set of rules, e.g. the Law of Moses. And that in being a Christian, it is faith beyond just following a set of rules. Because, just by following rules make you appear to be a good person, but you are not on the inside. If you do not murder a person but have an evil thought about a person, you would have murdered him anyway. And therefore Christianity is about changing a person from the inside. Sounds really logical and very much acceptable argument for me. But i do not know enough about Islam and Judaism, but do they only base their faith on these rules and regulations whereas Christians follow the example of Jesus himself. Same or different? No one knows unless one knows about all these religions
It was nice to hear about other people's experiences with Christianity and why they went into it. And as Lou said, some people come for the course to fufil their intellectual needs, particularly refering to me i guess. The group discussion went a bit slow though, wasn't as spontaneous as i would have wanted it to be. I shall just try to be as vocal as i can, nobody would hate me anyway. So yeah, got to start breezing through the entire bible soon before i can come up with questions to challenge other people.
And yet, i pray that i will be convinced in the end.
Bear
today i just had my first session of the alpha course. Met a few people like minsuk, scott, david and lou. Lou's a pastor participating in the course and they all happened to be in my group. Watched a video where the speaker tried to validate the existence of God, Jesus and the Bible itself. hmmm, i'm not convinced totally. Most of his arguments are based from the New Testament itself. If the existence of the Bible weren't true, his arguments would have felled utterly. But how could one totally negate its existence after its influence on so many people's lives and that it has existed throughout the whole of the past 2000 years.
Somethings Lou said that i thought should be written down for future personal reference. He tried to explain how Christianity was different from Islam and Judaism in that the latter two follow a set of rules, e.g. the Law of Moses. And that in being a Christian, it is faith beyond just following a set of rules. Because, just by following rules make you appear to be a good person, but you are not on the inside. If you do not murder a person but have an evil thought about a person, you would have murdered him anyway. And therefore Christianity is about changing a person from the inside. Sounds really logical and very much acceptable argument for me. But i do not know enough about Islam and Judaism, but do they only base their faith on these rules and regulations whereas Christians follow the example of Jesus himself. Same or different? No one knows unless one knows about all these religions
It was nice to hear about other people's experiences with Christianity and why they went into it. And as Lou said, some people come for the course to fufil their intellectual needs, particularly refering to me i guess. The group discussion went a bit slow though, wasn't as spontaneous as i would have wanted it to be. I shall just try to be as vocal as i can, nobody would hate me anyway. So yeah, got to start breezing through the entire bible soon before i can come up with questions to challenge other people.
And yet, i pray that i will be convinced in the end.
Bear
Thursday, March 3, 2011
T +48
Dear Piglet,
This is the one week that i am sliding back again. I was able for a few weekends to keep the sadness and misery to just the weekends. But not this week, i felt crappy all week. And i guess you could tell when i was talking to you online yesterday. I feel so much better ranting to you about problems and stuff not related to you. after i am relieved of all those problems, i feel overwhelmed by our situation again. I guess i should be feeling happy now, when i am collecting my car tmr. I really hoped that you are the first person that i can drive around, i really hoped that you will be able to come collect it with me. Just like how i want you to be the first to know that my day went badly, like how i want you to be the first to know that i had a great achievement in hospital like diagnosing Wernicke's. I want to show off to you about my greatness and i want to crawl back into your arms when my day sucked. I want you to be there when i buy something more than a hundred bucks, much more so for a car. I want you to be there to say that red colour is ugly but only meaning to spite me.
a lot of people have told me to stop thinking about the what ifs and could bes. but what am i to do. jema said that i fall in love to deeply. maybe that's why i am struggling to learn how to be lonely again. How to buy dinner for yourself, how to enjoy the tram ride home alone with no one to talk to, how to walk to school just with music in your ears, how to wake up everyday greeted not by an sms or a kiss but by the cold and a reluctance to wake up. I miss kissing your forehead before you sleep, i miss pretending to be angry and leave your room. I miss holding your hands and looking you in the eye telling you i've never felt like that before in a cheesy way. I miss going to cinemas with couple seats with you.
I thought that after 48 days, almost 7 weeks, i would feel better. but yesterday, i cried again. It hurt the same, and i cried. There's still so many things i want to do with you. wells, like m j said, i've tried asking you out. maybe you are genuinely busy, maybe you are not ready. but i guess i will keep trying. i've never felt so crestfallen. i've never felt so heart-less.
Piglet, i hope you would meet me somewhere in between so that it isn't so hard for me.
I miss you so much piglet.
Bear
Chris Medina - What are words
Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most
What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone
And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most
What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone
Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most
I'm forever keeping my angel close
This is the one week that i am sliding back again. I was able for a few weekends to keep the sadness and misery to just the weekends. But not this week, i felt crappy all week. And i guess you could tell when i was talking to you online yesterday. I feel so much better ranting to you about problems and stuff not related to you. after i am relieved of all those problems, i feel overwhelmed by our situation again. I guess i should be feeling happy now, when i am collecting my car tmr. I really hoped that you are the first person that i can drive around, i really hoped that you will be able to come collect it with me. Just like how i want you to be the first to know that my day went badly, like how i want you to be the first to know that i had a great achievement in hospital like diagnosing Wernicke's. I want to show off to you about my greatness and i want to crawl back into your arms when my day sucked. I want you to be there when i buy something more than a hundred bucks, much more so for a car. I want you to be there to say that red colour is ugly but only meaning to spite me.
a lot of people have told me to stop thinking about the what ifs and could bes. but what am i to do. jema said that i fall in love to deeply. maybe that's why i am struggling to learn how to be lonely again. How to buy dinner for yourself, how to enjoy the tram ride home alone with no one to talk to, how to walk to school just with music in your ears, how to wake up everyday greeted not by an sms or a kiss but by the cold and a reluctance to wake up. I miss kissing your forehead before you sleep, i miss pretending to be angry and leave your room. I miss holding your hands and looking you in the eye telling you i've never felt like that before in a cheesy way. I miss going to cinemas with couple seats with you.
I thought that after 48 days, almost 7 weeks, i would feel better. but yesterday, i cried again. It hurt the same, and i cried. There's still so many things i want to do with you. wells, like m j said, i've tried asking you out. maybe you are genuinely busy, maybe you are not ready. but i guess i will keep trying. i've never felt so crestfallen. i've never felt so heart-less.
Piglet, i hope you would meet me somewhere in between so that it isn't so hard for me.
I miss you so much piglet.
Bear
Chris Medina - What are words
Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most
What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone
And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most
What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone
Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most
I'm forever keeping my angel close
Saturday, February 26, 2011
T +43
Dear Piglet,
Its been almost a week since i last blogged. I've just been too busy trying to read up for the next day and have been putting this off till now. I guess that is a show of me knowing where my priorities are.
I think i've programmed my mind to know where the lines are already. Not contacting you unless contacted first. i've done pretty well in it, except maybe i depend on a few other friends more during this period of time. i am even able to say that some of the emotional attachment is beginning to fade. Now, i am afraid. The greatest thing behind why i didn't want to forget was because i dun want things to fade and change. Alright, maybe not emotional attachment, but emotional dependence. Maybe its a first step to try to find happiness again, but im still not a happy person. I spent 18000 on a car that i don't think i will need much, just to make myself happy and keep myself occupied. Now all i need is probably to find an activity i can participate weekly to further keep my mind off these things.
Sometimes when people say certain things, it still hurts. Things like, eh, now got civic already can go out jio girls again already. I mean, i know you guys mean well and all, but i was so craving to tell you guys that i am single but unavailable. I need to find my heart back. When u see people going out together in pairs, it just makes you feel sad how you cannot be with the one you love.
I remember that day when it was our one month anniversary, it seemed like i didn't care much but i actually cycled to macs to buy breakfast for us. the drinks spilled all the way and i was so sianed that my choclocate was all along wellington road. Seeing that smile on your face when i went into your room made it all worthwhile. I just love it when i see your, what the hell did you do know, what are you up to, huh, why you go so far to buy breakfast kind of face. Well, i guessed if i could make nice breakfast, i wouldn't need so much effort.
Going to pancake parlour together that sunday morning was also one of our breakfast escapades. Climbing up so early in the morning to travel to glen. remember the two super nice cars, ferrari and porshe that we saw? It was that day, there were still so little people at the glen. we jsut went in and ordered a short stack. it was simple and nice, but i really just want to spend time with you like that. i may not be the person always with things to talk about, i just want to spend time with you and being there with you just makes me feel so happy.
I still remember that day at Wilson's Prom when we stayed back for the open air cinema. Alice in wonderland was it? Not sure if you really wanted to stay to watch but its just another one of the things i really wanted to do with you. open air cinema. ok, maybe i was imagining more of a two of us lying on top of a convertible watching the movie kind of thing, but that was good enough. buying a cup of hot drink so that you can hold it in your hand and feel some warmth when we were so underprepared for the cold. I just love doing everything with you. I want to go for a road trip with you right beside me all the while. I haven't had enough of you. But this easter, i think i will be a lonely man.
I wonder when can i hug you tightly again.
Bear
Its been almost a week since i last blogged. I've just been too busy trying to read up for the next day and have been putting this off till now. I guess that is a show of me knowing where my priorities are.
I think i've programmed my mind to know where the lines are already. Not contacting you unless contacted first. i've done pretty well in it, except maybe i depend on a few other friends more during this period of time. i am even able to say that some of the emotional attachment is beginning to fade. Now, i am afraid. The greatest thing behind why i didn't want to forget was because i dun want things to fade and change. Alright, maybe not emotional attachment, but emotional dependence. Maybe its a first step to try to find happiness again, but im still not a happy person. I spent 18000 on a car that i don't think i will need much, just to make myself happy and keep myself occupied. Now all i need is probably to find an activity i can participate weekly to further keep my mind off these things.
Sometimes when people say certain things, it still hurts. Things like, eh, now got civic already can go out jio girls again already. I mean, i know you guys mean well and all, but i was so craving to tell you guys that i am single but unavailable. I need to find my heart back. When u see people going out together in pairs, it just makes you feel sad how you cannot be with the one you love.
I remember that day when it was our one month anniversary, it seemed like i didn't care much but i actually cycled to macs to buy breakfast for us. the drinks spilled all the way and i was so sianed that my choclocate was all along wellington road. Seeing that smile on your face when i went into your room made it all worthwhile. I just love it when i see your, what the hell did you do know, what are you up to, huh, why you go so far to buy breakfast kind of face. Well, i guessed if i could make nice breakfast, i wouldn't need so much effort.
Going to pancake parlour together that sunday morning was also one of our breakfast escapades. Climbing up so early in the morning to travel to glen. remember the two super nice cars, ferrari and porshe that we saw? It was that day, there were still so little people at the glen. we jsut went in and ordered a short stack. it was simple and nice, but i really just want to spend time with you like that. i may not be the person always with things to talk about, i just want to spend time with you and being there with you just makes me feel so happy.
I still remember that day at Wilson's Prom when we stayed back for the open air cinema. Alice in wonderland was it? Not sure if you really wanted to stay to watch but its just another one of the things i really wanted to do with you. open air cinema. ok, maybe i was imagining more of a two of us lying on top of a convertible watching the movie kind of thing, but that was good enough. buying a cup of hot drink so that you can hold it in your hand and feel some warmth when we were so underprepared for the cold. I just love doing everything with you. I want to go for a road trip with you right beside me all the while. I haven't had enough of you. But this easter, i think i will be a lonely man.
I wonder when can i hug you tightly again.
Bear
Sunday, February 20, 2011
T +37
Dear Piglet,
haven't really had the time to type out my thoughts for the past few days, so i shall dedicate sometime before i head off to bed.
Went to church with tim and xuan today. before that, i was very confused, i can't believed i went in the end. that's on hindsight thinking about how i was so frightened in the past. mixed feelings and a lot of fear and apprehension. But i still went in the end. It has to start i guess, to find out more. I guess i really need to do this so that i can find my clear direction. Tim was telling me about some of the things to expect when i go for the service, especially with the communion part. He did tell me that i didn't have to do it if i didn't want to, i still did in the end, not sure why though, but partly because i did not want to feel out of place. all the intimidation. There was this girl seating beside me, dorothy, a melb uni med grad doing anaesthesia in geelong now. She introduced herself in the mingling part and kind of found out i was new there, and was like encouraging me to say hi to everyone else since i was new in the part where the pastor invited new people attending to introduce themselves. There were many asians surprisingly which made everything a little more comfortable? The singing part was nice i thought, through the lyrics of the song, i was able to learn a little more about the faith and stuff. and i think its nice to worship and sing praise this way. im not sure how to describe it, but heartwarming? homely like tim said. and i can sort of understand why it makes people feel at ease.
Oh, there was this part where the pastor asked people who wanted to recognise Christianity as their faith to come to the front. and he gave some reasons i think, like to be able to confess your belief in him in front of men. I am not really ready for it and maybe one day i would, but certainly not yet. The sermon part was actually something that was interesting to me, although i was a little sleepy cos of the monotonality. Well, i'm not sure if the evidence (geographical and physical) were true and i do question the source of those pictures about edom and gomorrah. it kind of appealed to me because they at least, tried to validate their claims and not just getting you to belief and trust and have faith if u get what i mean. The passage for the service was something about false teachers and how people get led away from god. it was kind of apt or not apt to me, since i am still not a christian. and like you said xuan said it was right in the face. Well, a little harsh condemning non-believers i feel, and some use of really strong words. uncomfortable moments. I mean if u were a Christian you would be ok listening, but for me its just different? And it felt as though the pastor was talking to just me. When we were singing the closing song, there was a pause in between the song and he was like come out now! talking about the people who wants to convert and confess. another uncomfortable moment. i think i do just find sitting where i am and blending in for now. Different environment, but i guess with some caution and understanding i might just be able to accept being there. I will definitely go for another service the week after, but really depends on our vespa session thing.
was kind of thankful that tim said he wouldn't mind going alpha course with me because he thought it would be going to be intimidating for me. guess i am well looked after then. pastor also said something about not rejecting = acceptance and that there's no in between. i am really in between i guess. still lost trying to find my way. but i really feel that one day if i do accept Christ in my life, i would still pray in my buddhist ways, for my family and with my family. Maybe i would still want to reincarnate but maybe Christ would offer me a salvation that will allow me to lead a mortal life again? i have no idea, i need to find out more. Sometimes i really want to find out what i was in my last life, and i think you could possibly go to a medium for that, but it wouldn't affect much i guess. Its this life that matters, the one and only you've got. Even if u are a undegradable soul put through different mortal bodies, each and every life is differnt because of your upbringing and environment and experiences. Is it really possible for life to be continous and just devoid of memories from life to life? i need to find out more.
Talked to you after i'm home. i am glad you call, even if you just wanted to find out how i felt about the session. But i guess maybe you were a little anxious to find out how much i could accept it. I guess maybe when u heard that i thought it went good you felt happy. I guess you are still hoping for us to be together again. But its all my guesses from your voice and tone. I guess that you still love me dearly. I do still love you, but all this time apart is really doing us no good. And the longer i take, the harder its going to be for us. If only we can still meet once a week. im really glad when u said you felt your heartache, like how its physically pain. It was exactly how i felt too. And please stop trying to matchmake me away. i am single and unavailable. please be my friend again, so that we can spend time together, even with the feelings tucked away, so that at least the feelings will not be lost.
I am so afraid of forgeting and losing everything, maybe that's why i am being so miserable and not allowing myself to move on. The less pain i feel, the easier im going to forget.
I can still rmb that dinner with you at sophia's after our little honeymoon trip. The humongous amount of pasta and two tired faces. we still managed to pull up some smiles and a big appetite to try to gobble down all the food. Had like 3 takeaway boxes to bring the food home. But that was what i wanted to do if i had a car, to bring you out for dinner like that.
I can still remember in 2009 april's fool day when ajit and chinswee came to your door to scare you. When you called me, i was really knocked out and very drowsy and i saw your name on the phone but i couldn't keep awake. i vaguely heard what's happening upstairs and i was like gahh, now i am really going to lose my sleep only to hear the scream and shocks happening upstairs. too late to do anything i thought and then i just returned to sleep. Got scolded for not answering my phone the next day. But i already denied lending them the key. if only you talked to me more then, i would have went up to save you. hahas.
I want to hug you so badly, i want to know that it feels just the same as before.
Bear
haven't really had the time to type out my thoughts for the past few days, so i shall dedicate sometime before i head off to bed.
Went to church with tim and xuan today. before that, i was very confused, i can't believed i went in the end. that's on hindsight thinking about how i was so frightened in the past. mixed feelings and a lot of fear and apprehension. But i still went in the end. It has to start i guess, to find out more. I guess i really need to do this so that i can find my clear direction. Tim was telling me about some of the things to expect when i go for the service, especially with the communion part. He did tell me that i didn't have to do it if i didn't want to, i still did in the end, not sure why though, but partly because i did not want to feel out of place. all the intimidation. There was this girl seating beside me, dorothy, a melb uni med grad doing anaesthesia in geelong now. She introduced herself in the mingling part and kind of found out i was new there, and was like encouraging me to say hi to everyone else since i was new in the part where the pastor invited new people attending to introduce themselves. There were many asians surprisingly which made everything a little more comfortable? The singing part was nice i thought, through the lyrics of the song, i was able to learn a little more about the faith and stuff. and i think its nice to worship and sing praise this way. im not sure how to describe it, but heartwarming? homely like tim said. and i can sort of understand why it makes people feel at ease.
Oh, there was this part where the pastor asked people who wanted to recognise Christianity as their faith to come to the front. and he gave some reasons i think, like to be able to confess your belief in him in front of men. I am not really ready for it and maybe one day i would, but certainly not yet. The sermon part was actually something that was interesting to me, although i was a little sleepy cos of the monotonality. Well, i'm not sure if the evidence (geographical and physical) were true and i do question the source of those pictures about edom and gomorrah. it kind of appealed to me because they at least, tried to validate their claims and not just getting you to belief and trust and have faith if u get what i mean. The passage for the service was something about false teachers and how people get led away from god. it was kind of apt or not apt to me, since i am still not a christian. and like you said xuan said it was right in the face. Well, a little harsh condemning non-believers i feel, and some use of really strong words. uncomfortable moments. I mean if u were a Christian you would be ok listening, but for me its just different? And it felt as though the pastor was talking to just me. When we were singing the closing song, there was a pause in between the song and he was like come out now! talking about the people who wants to convert and confess. another uncomfortable moment. i think i do just find sitting where i am and blending in for now. Different environment, but i guess with some caution and understanding i might just be able to accept being there. I will definitely go for another service the week after, but really depends on our vespa session thing.
was kind of thankful that tim said he wouldn't mind going alpha course with me because he thought it would be going to be intimidating for me. guess i am well looked after then. pastor also said something about not rejecting = acceptance and that there's no in between. i am really in between i guess. still lost trying to find my way. but i really feel that one day if i do accept Christ in my life, i would still pray in my buddhist ways, for my family and with my family. Maybe i would still want to reincarnate but maybe Christ would offer me a salvation that will allow me to lead a mortal life again? i have no idea, i need to find out more. Sometimes i really want to find out what i was in my last life, and i think you could possibly go to a medium for that, but it wouldn't affect much i guess. Its this life that matters, the one and only you've got. Even if u are a undegradable soul put through different mortal bodies, each and every life is differnt because of your upbringing and environment and experiences. Is it really possible for life to be continous and just devoid of memories from life to life? i need to find out more.
Talked to you after i'm home. i am glad you call, even if you just wanted to find out how i felt about the session. But i guess maybe you were a little anxious to find out how much i could accept it. I guess maybe when u heard that i thought it went good you felt happy. I guess you are still hoping for us to be together again. But its all my guesses from your voice and tone. I guess that you still love me dearly. I do still love you, but all this time apart is really doing us no good. And the longer i take, the harder its going to be for us. If only we can still meet once a week. im really glad when u said you felt your heartache, like how its physically pain. It was exactly how i felt too. And please stop trying to matchmake me away. i am single and unavailable. please be my friend again, so that we can spend time together, even with the feelings tucked away, so that at least the feelings will not be lost.
I am so afraid of forgeting and losing everything, maybe that's why i am being so miserable and not allowing myself to move on. The less pain i feel, the easier im going to forget.
I can still rmb that dinner with you at sophia's after our little honeymoon trip. The humongous amount of pasta and two tired faces. we still managed to pull up some smiles and a big appetite to try to gobble down all the food. Had like 3 takeaway boxes to bring the food home. But that was what i wanted to do if i had a car, to bring you out for dinner like that.
I can still remember in 2009 april's fool day when ajit and chinswee came to your door to scare you. When you called me, i was really knocked out and very drowsy and i saw your name on the phone but i couldn't keep awake. i vaguely heard what's happening upstairs and i was like gahh, now i am really going to lose my sleep only to hear the scream and shocks happening upstairs. too late to do anything i thought and then i just returned to sleep. Got scolded for not answering my phone the next day. But i already denied lending them the key. if only you talked to me more then, i would have went up to save you. hahas.
I want to hug you so badly, i want to know that it feels just the same as before.
Bear
Saturday, February 19, 2011
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