T +37

Dear Piglet,

haven't really had the time to type out my thoughts for the past few days, so i shall dedicate sometime before i head off to bed.

Went to church with tim and xuan today. before that, i was very confused, i can't believed i went in the end. that's on hindsight thinking about how i was so frightened in the past. mixed feelings and a lot of fear and apprehension. But i still went in the end. It has to start i guess, to find out more. I guess i really need to do this so that i can find my clear direction. Tim was telling me about some of the things to expect when i go for the service, especially with the communion part. He did tell me that i didn't have to do it if i didn't want to, i still did in the end, not sure why though, but partly because i did not want to feel out of place. all the intimidation. There was this girl seating beside me, dorothy, a melb uni med grad doing anaesthesia in geelong now. She introduced herself in the mingling part and kind of found out i was new there, and was like encouraging me to say hi to everyone else since i was new in the part where the pastor invited new people attending to introduce themselves. There were many asians surprisingly which made everything a little more comfortable? The singing part was nice i thought, through the lyrics of the song, i was able to learn a little more about the faith and stuff. and i think its nice to worship and sing praise this way. im not sure how to describe it, but heartwarming? homely like tim said. and i can sort of understand why it makes people feel at ease.

Oh, there was this part where the pastor asked people who wanted to recognise Christianity as their faith to come to the front. and he gave some reasons i think, like to be able to confess your belief in him in front of men. I am not really ready for it and maybe one day i would, but certainly not yet. The sermon part was actually something that was interesting to me, although i was a little sleepy cos of the monotonality. Well, i'm not sure if the evidence (geographical and physical) were true and i do question the source of those pictures about edom and gomorrah. it kind of appealed to me because they at least, tried to validate their claims and not just getting you to belief and trust and have faith if u get what i mean. The passage for the service was something about false teachers and how people get led away from god. it was kind of apt or not apt to me, since i am still not a christian. and like you said xuan said it was right in the face. Well, a little harsh condemning non-believers i feel, and some use of really strong words. uncomfortable moments. I mean if u were a Christian you would be ok listening, but for me its just different? And it felt as though the pastor was talking to just me. When we were singing the closing song, there was a pause in between the song and he was like come out now! talking about the people who wants to convert and confess. another uncomfortable moment. i think i do just find sitting where i am and blending in for now. Different environment, but i guess with some caution and understanding i might just be able to accept being there. I will definitely go for another service the week after, but really depends on our vespa session thing.

was kind of thankful that tim said he wouldn't mind going alpha course with me because he thought it would be going to be intimidating for me. guess i am well looked after then. pastor also said something about not rejecting = acceptance and that there's no in between. i am really in between i guess. still lost trying to find my way. but i really feel that one day if i do accept Christ in my life, i would still pray in my buddhist ways, for my family and with my family. Maybe i would still want to reincarnate but maybe Christ would offer me a salvation that will allow me to lead a mortal life again? i have no idea, i need to find out more. Sometimes i really want to find out what i was in my last life, and i think you could possibly go to a medium for that, but it wouldn't affect much i guess. Its this life that matters, the one and only you've got. Even if u are a undegradable soul put through different mortal bodies, each and every life is differnt because of your upbringing and environment and experiences. Is it really possible for life to be continous and just devoid of memories from life to life? i need to find out more.

Talked to you after i'm home. i am glad you call, even if you just wanted to find out how i felt about the session. But i guess maybe you were a little anxious to find out how much i could accept it. I guess maybe when u heard that i thought it went good you felt happy. I guess you are still hoping for us to be together again. But its all my guesses from your voice and tone. I guess that you still love me dearly. I do still love you, but all this time apart is really doing us no good. And the longer i take, the harder its going to be for us. If only we can still meet once a week. im really glad when u said you felt your heartache, like how its physically pain. It was exactly how i felt too. And please stop trying to matchmake me away. i am single and unavailable. please be my friend again, so that we can spend time together, even with the feelings tucked away, so that at least the feelings will not be lost.

I am so afraid of forgeting and losing everything, maybe that's why i am being so miserable and not allowing myself to move on. The less pain i feel, the easier im going to forget.

I can still rmb that dinner with you at sophia's after our little honeymoon trip. The humongous amount of pasta and two tired faces. we still managed to pull up some smiles and a big appetite to try to gobble down all the food. Had like 3 takeaway boxes to bring the food home. But that was what i wanted to do if i had a car, to bring you out for dinner like that.

I can still remember in 2009 april's fool day when ajit and chinswee came to your door to scare you. When you called me, i was really knocked out and very drowsy and i saw your name on the phone but i couldn't keep awake. i vaguely heard what's happening upstairs and i was like gahh, now i am really going to lose my sleep only to hear the scream and shocks happening upstairs. too late to do anything i thought and then i just returned to sleep. Got scolded for not answering my phone the next day. But i already denied lending them the key. if only you talked to me more then, i would have went up to save you. hahas.

I want to hug you so badly, i want to know that it feels just the same as before.

Bear