Dear Piglet,
Today was a really tough day, i am just glad i got through it. Of course with some people around like beow and mj who was there with me and like yx who just came over to ask me if i was fine. She didn't even need to ask about what happened and i guess i really appreciated the concern. But sigh, toughtough day. It was only because of the heat that prevented me from crying. I saw all the people around, the familiar faces, but i just couldn't bring myself to go talk to people. I saw her of course, but she didn't look at me. Its as if i didn't exist i felt. But like i said, i shall generate excuses, she didn't mean it cos she missed her girlfriends too much and went to chat them up instead. She came really close at a point of time, i was hoping she could just come and tap me and say hi, i guess i should have really looked up. Another excuse, maybe she appears to be very cold cos she isn't comfortable talking to me with so many people around? I dunnoe, i didn't concentrate throughout the entire day. I just kept emo-ing. Good thing beow asked me to take a walk to campus centre, if not i would have just died. Even when after everything we were like walking towards the carpark i was like, should i just run up and talk to her or should i maintain that i will not contact her unless she contacts me first, issit a stupid thing?
In the afternoon, went to get the iphone stuff and it took so long, was supposed to go lunch with everyone (where i can hopefully talk to her) but we just missed it. I was damn sian as the hours go by cos it meant that my chances were dieing out. And then my phone went out of batt. But i guess it didn't mattered cos at the end of the day, she still didn't send me a msg or what. not even to say hi, what are u doing. I am not expecting you to say what hey dear i love you or what, its things like that that really makes me start to wonder about things, doubt things. sigh. hopefully we would still be good friends 6 months down the road, but for now, i guess i am just getting used to being disappointed, lowering my expectations and getting used to everything.
Went to play soccer after, was quite shiok. everyone must have been lazing around too much, we got tired really quick. But it was enjoyable because everyone was trying to get the ball. I was tired too, if not i would have vented all my stress and anger in the game. Well, i did when jem was trying to shout at me to do better. i just kept kicking with all my energy i can find. and of course, with some of my favorite vulgarities. i ended up scoring two goals, all very lucky or not kind. Some nice shots i thought but shots will remain as shots unless they get in. Good venting everything out. Felt really good, hopefully we will get to do this more. Then Tim drove me home, while on the way to pick sasha we talked a bit, i was happy that he talked to me about it. Maybe cos i really treat him as somebody who i can really turn to for advice. And maybe also because he's christian, and maybe because he's also in a similar situation i guess. Sad that we couldn't have talked more. Would really want to know him better this year now that we are close by. Well, he did say that when he talked to her, it seemed like the our relationship was quite a serious one. But i guess, after what nic has said, i am starting to wonder, if she really loved me, wouldn't she have done more to try to keep me? Like tell me its an issue and give me some options for negotiation and compromise, rather than just break up with me like that. I am starting to wonder if she did it because maybe there's something else about me she couldn't accept? Like maybe me being too sticky, or not telling my parents about it and that the religion thing was just an excuse? I dunnoe. Sasha said i should gather all my questions and ask her out to talk about it. should i?
Even if i did, i probably only just wanted her to be close by.
Bear
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
T +14
Dear Piglet,
Today is one day after i am back in melbourne, life seems destined for a great change, the food portions, the transportation system, the weather, and without her. But i will pull through i hope. met her today with her housemates, when they came over to find us to go to the city to get some food. was really glad to see her all safe and sound. she seems find, but just a bit tired. While making our way to the city, we talked quite a bit, so its rather heartening that we could still talk like last time. well, i am pretty clear of the lines i cannot cross, so i was actually glad that we could talk like that. made me feel more comfortable being just friends with her, the same old fang i knew all this while. we will jack each other, say insensitive remarks to each other and all. she even slapped me on the back. tsktsk, will get back at you one day.
She then told me about nicole talking to her, didn't tell me much of the contents of their conversation. She just keeps harping that nic is a really good friend and all. oh wells, what have u done nic, i really hope she doesn't know about this blog thingy and the fact that i haven't been coping well the past few days. Today is much better, like yesterday too i guess. maybe its cos i have been talking to her and seeing her today of course. I guess what she didn't know that keeping in touch with her made me feel better. Not the kind of feel that everything's not over and still the same kind of normal, but the i am glad we can still be like that without being together kind of normal. So yeah, it helps me believe that we can still have a friendship that is as special as before we told each other our feelings. Yup, so i guess i am happy these two days, i am more certain that i haven't lost her completely. This is actually not an emo post then.
Then we went to her place, me and beow, and i really want to thank beow for going with me, even when he might be thinking that he's a bit extra, but i guess it was more a courage or comfort booster of sorts that he's there too. terribly sorry for all the trouble so far, but i will definitely be nice to him in the days to come. I just spent the entire evening helping or watching her unpack. Really enjoyable though i should really have been home packing my own stuff. But who cares. I get to see her and talk to her, that's all's impt now. Her room does feel really cosy and omg PINK. So much pink, thinking of buying her a pink rubbish bin or something. if she puts on the pooh bedsheets i bought for her it will be even omg pink. Hope she's feeling well today having sneezed so much, either the dust or missing me too much. hahahas. she was tired for a bit, so i made her sit down and we played angry birds on her tablet. Pretty fun lar, makes me want to get one myself too. i shall just be patient and wait for my iphone. Oh and just for the record, she said she likes the piglet i gave her more than the one she got from another guyfriend. So i guess i win again. hahas. Sigh. I am glad we tried and i still do love her very much. Oh dear, what am i to do now.
Oh and yesterday she called me before she boarded the plane, i requested it. But she seems rather willing (for lack of a better word) to, and we were just like talking about anything. I was so tired waiting though, like at 130am then she called. but i was too anxious waiting i stayed awake despite dozing off all the way since 1230. and then she called again when she reached. I am hoping that this was like when we were together. But then again i am glad we can still do things like that happily even if we weren't together. Oh wells, i am one confused person.
special thanks to sandi who came over to do random stuff and just accompanying a lost soul like me. and of course, nicole if u did put in a few good words for me, all my classmates who came to send me off david tingfu andy and nic. and xy for all your hey are you ok and concern. Beow for being such a great friend and always being there.
I am so much happier today, in ying's terms, maybe 1 percent today :)
But piglet, you have no idea how much i missed you and i love you :):):)
Bear
Today is one day after i am back in melbourne, life seems destined for a great change, the food portions, the transportation system, the weather, and without her. But i will pull through i hope. met her today with her housemates, when they came over to find us to go to the city to get some food. was really glad to see her all safe and sound. she seems find, but just a bit tired. While making our way to the city, we talked quite a bit, so its rather heartening that we could still talk like last time. well, i am pretty clear of the lines i cannot cross, so i was actually glad that we could talk like that. made me feel more comfortable being just friends with her, the same old fang i knew all this while. we will jack each other, say insensitive remarks to each other and all. she even slapped me on the back. tsktsk, will get back at you one day.
She then told me about nicole talking to her, didn't tell me much of the contents of their conversation. She just keeps harping that nic is a really good friend and all. oh wells, what have u done nic, i really hope she doesn't know about this blog thingy and the fact that i haven't been coping well the past few days. Today is much better, like yesterday too i guess. maybe its cos i have been talking to her and seeing her today of course. I guess what she didn't know that keeping in touch with her made me feel better. Not the kind of feel that everything's not over and still the same kind of normal, but the i am glad we can still be like that without being together kind of normal. So yeah, it helps me believe that we can still have a friendship that is as special as before we told each other our feelings. Yup, so i guess i am happy these two days, i am more certain that i haven't lost her completely. This is actually not an emo post then.
Then we went to her place, me and beow, and i really want to thank beow for going with me, even when he might be thinking that he's a bit extra, but i guess it was more a courage or comfort booster of sorts that he's there too. terribly sorry for all the trouble so far, but i will definitely be nice to him in the days to come. I just spent the entire evening helping or watching her unpack. Really enjoyable though i should really have been home packing my own stuff. But who cares. I get to see her and talk to her, that's all's impt now. Her room does feel really cosy and omg PINK. So much pink, thinking of buying her a pink rubbish bin or something. if she puts on the pooh bedsheets i bought for her it will be even omg pink. Hope she's feeling well today having sneezed so much, either the dust or missing me too much. hahahas. she was tired for a bit, so i made her sit down and we played angry birds on her tablet. Pretty fun lar, makes me want to get one myself too. i shall just be patient and wait for my iphone. Oh and just for the record, she said she likes the piglet i gave her more than the one she got from another guyfriend. So i guess i win again. hahas. Sigh. I am glad we tried and i still do love her very much. Oh dear, what am i to do now.
Oh and yesterday she called me before she boarded the plane, i requested it. But she seems rather willing (for lack of a better word) to, and we were just like talking about anything. I was so tired waiting though, like at 130am then she called. but i was too anxious waiting i stayed awake despite dozing off all the way since 1230. and then she called again when she reached. I am hoping that this was like when we were together. But then again i am glad we can still do things like that happily even if we weren't together. Oh wells, i am one confused person.
special thanks to sandi who came over to do random stuff and just accompanying a lost soul like me. and of course, nicole if u did put in a few good words for me, all my classmates who came to send me off david tingfu andy and nic. and xy for all your hey are you ok and concern. Beow for being such a great friend and always being there.
I am so much happier today, in ying's terms, maybe 1 percent today :)
But piglet, you have no idea how much i missed you and i love you :):):)
Bear
Thursday, January 27, 2011
T +12
Dear Piglet,
Sigh, its day 12 already, wasn't able to put a post for day 11 cos i was out late. Went to meet 3 other friends since 8pm till now. Talked to cas about the whole thing. Everyone's like her, asking me to stay strong and all but its just so hard. My eyes still well up in tears sometimes thinking about it. I really really hope being at Alfred will overwhelm me so much that i can't even catch my breath. I really really still hope that we will be together again. Nic's heartbroken too, but she still managed to get me to still try to go to church with her and everything. she's probably the only person encouraging me in this direction. Everyone else is just like, move on bernard. But the thing is i dun want to regret. Life's too short for unhappiness and regrets. And like i told cas, i may seem ok, still smiling and all, but my heart's frowning, i just dun show it. Just like you should already know.
Going to fly back tmr already, instead of wondering about transport, money or whatever, i am worried about whether she would call me or should i call her just before i fly. When she flies, would she call me too? would she know that i am worried and that i want to know that she's boarding or she's landing? i'm really hopeless. now i dun even have somebody to watch the green hornet with. Somebody who will watch anything i want to watch. i know you will critisize my dear jay chou and all throughout the movie, but u will still say something nice in the end just to make me happy.
Once she was going to prepare dinner. Tacos and meat with tomato sauced marinade with lettece and sour cream. She cooked everything already except the tacos. She claimed that the tacos weren't hot enough in the oven. So i suggested putting it in the grill for a faster effect. And then, for all we knew, the whole stove started to catch fire and smoke was bellowing out from every hole on the stove. She was like stunned, and was going to like ask me to get the fire extinguisher. but then i thought, fire extinguisher need to break safety seal and breaking the safety seal will mean probably a report and investigation, so i just scooped some water and splashed it over. when the fire was out, it didn't only mean that our dinner was destroyed, it meant a lot of scrubbing to do, to clean the black stains on the white stove. Luckily, we quickly dealt with that, with some fanfare in her house also. xq and felita came to view our disaster. We managed to scramble some food together, like garlic bread and a very awful carrot cake i bought from the asian grocer. her first time seeing a fire like that, and of cos a first one for me to see something being burnt so spontaneously. From then on, we never really dared to use the grill without opening the cover. It was so shocking to her i guess she even wrote it in her diary. Just something worth rmbering i guess.
Bear
Sigh, its day 12 already, wasn't able to put a post for day 11 cos i was out late. Went to meet 3 other friends since 8pm till now. Talked to cas about the whole thing. Everyone's like her, asking me to stay strong and all but its just so hard. My eyes still well up in tears sometimes thinking about it. I really really hope being at Alfred will overwhelm me so much that i can't even catch my breath. I really really still hope that we will be together again. Nic's heartbroken too, but she still managed to get me to still try to go to church with her and everything. she's probably the only person encouraging me in this direction. Everyone else is just like, move on bernard. But the thing is i dun want to regret. Life's too short for unhappiness and regrets. And like i told cas, i may seem ok, still smiling and all, but my heart's frowning, i just dun show it. Just like you should already know.
Going to fly back tmr already, instead of wondering about transport, money or whatever, i am worried about whether she would call me or should i call her just before i fly. When she flies, would she call me too? would she know that i am worried and that i want to know that she's boarding or she's landing? i'm really hopeless. now i dun even have somebody to watch the green hornet with. Somebody who will watch anything i want to watch. i know you will critisize my dear jay chou and all throughout the movie, but u will still say something nice in the end just to make me happy.
Once she was going to prepare dinner. Tacos and meat with tomato sauced marinade with lettece and sour cream. She cooked everything already except the tacos. She claimed that the tacos weren't hot enough in the oven. So i suggested putting it in the grill for a faster effect. And then, for all we knew, the whole stove started to catch fire and smoke was bellowing out from every hole on the stove. She was like stunned, and was going to like ask me to get the fire extinguisher. but then i thought, fire extinguisher need to break safety seal and breaking the safety seal will mean probably a report and investigation, so i just scooped some water and splashed it over. when the fire was out, it didn't only mean that our dinner was destroyed, it meant a lot of scrubbing to do, to clean the black stains on the white stove. Luckily, we quickly dealt with that, with some fanfare in her house also. xq and felita came to view our disaster. We managed to scramble some food together, like garlic bread and a very awful carrot cake i bought from the asian grocer. her first time seeing a fire like that, and of cos a first one for me to see something being burnt so spontaneously. From then on, we never really dared to use the grill without opening the cover. It was so shocking to her i guess she even wrote it in her diary. Just something worth rmbering i guess.
Bear
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
T +10
Dear Piglet,
I'm sorry i keep unloading all my sorrows onto you. But you always knew how to make me feel better. I'm glad u understood how i felt and i hope that when you are ready for us to be friends again that you wouldn't have changed a single bit. I was secretly happy when u said that you felt that u still liked me during the lunch gathering. I always give u what u want, at least most of the time. you want a breakup, i accepted it, you need time, i will give you time, you need distance i will pull myself away. But i really hope that my one small request, that you will still be the same fang that i can rely and depend on albeit not as a girlfriend anymore, you will grant me. If you forget me completely, a part of me would have died along with you.
Once you've moved on with your life and that i know i didn't lose you completely, i will then move on with mine.
I will bear the pain, because i love you.
Bear
I'm sorry i keep unloading all my sorrows onto you. But you always knew how to make me feel better. I'm glad u understood how i felt and i hope that when you are ready for us to be friends again that you wouldn't have changed a single bit. I was secretly happy when u said that you felt that u still liked me during the lunch gathering. I always give u what u want, at least most of the time. you want a breakup, i accepted it, you need time, i will give you time, you need distance i will pull myself away. But i really hope that my one small request, that you will still be the same fang that i can rely and depend on albeit not as a girlfriend anymore, you will grant me. If you forget me completely, a part of me would have died along with you.
Once you've moved on with your life and that i know i didn't lose you completely, i will then move on with mine.
I will bear the pain, because i love you.
Bear
Monday, January 24, 2011
T +09
Dear Piglet,
Talked to her last night on msn. She talked to me first. wasn't in a really good mood then. So i just poured everything out. Everything about how i don't know what her intentions are and if they are genuine or sincere when she talks to me. And also about how i'm afraid that i might seem to be pestering her and all. Well she said that she knows i am making effort not to contact her and all. but does she really know the full extent of this effort? daily or should i said hourly mental torture and flipping the phone and staring at the phone. grrr. Does she even know how hurt i was after the lunch thing. I guess like she said she will always have a soft spot for me. But it seems like during this whole process of recovering, i am needing her more than she need me. I guess she's moved on a little further than i have maybe. Or maybe i do not have as many friends as she does to help her. I do have some friends who are always there, but i guess i dun like to pour my worries to others and burden them.
Ok, promised to talk about somethings that i manage to rmb. Let's talk about venepuncture. Yes, we had to draw blood from each other to get this certificate thing. I managed to get blood in my second try. She tried twice and couldn't, so the next day she had to go back and try to redo it, and she didn't again. I rmb patting her on her back while walking towards campus centre where we parted because we had different lessons. I told her, let there be blood. xq was around, so a bit hard for me to give her a huge squeezy hug before. I went to meet her up to walk home together. I asked about venepuncture. she didn't reply and asked me not to say anything first. She started walking very fast. I walked her up to her house and then she opened the door and saw xq. she was in tears already, so she quickly pulled me away and came down to my room instead. There she sat, all in tears and i was so lost. I just kept trying to encourage her and tried to talk to her logically and about other plans. Like how she might need to delay her flight to go for venepuncture lessons. i kept consoling her and she just kept crying. My heart was aching so much seeing her lidat. I miss her running towards me like that. I miss holding her tightly and running my fingers through her hair to console her. I miss trying to pinch her cheeks and force a smile on her face. I miss putting her right where my heart is, holding her hands and telling her everything will be ok.
I miss you piglet.
Bear
Talked to her last night on msn. She talked to me first. wasn't in a really good mood then. So i just poured everything out. Everything about how i don't know what her intentions are and if they are genuine or sincere when she talks to me. And also about how i'm afraid that i might seem to be pestering her and all. Well she said that she knows i am making effort not to contact her and all. but does she really know the full extent of this effort? daily or should i said hourly mental torture and flipping the phone and staring at the phone. grrr. Does she even know how hurt i was after the lunch thing. I guess like she said she will always have a soft spot for me. But it seems like during this whole process of recovering, i am needing her more than she need me. I guess she's moved on a little further than i have maybe. Or maybe i do not have as many friends as she does to help her. I do have some friends who are always there, but i guess i dun like to pour my worries to others and burden them.
Ok, promised to talk about somethings that i manage to rmb. Let's talk about venepuncture. Yes, we had to draw blood from each other to get this certificate thing. I managed to get blood in my second try. She tried twice and couldn't, so the next day she had to go back and try to redo it, and she didn't again. I rmb patting her on her back while walking towards campus centre where we parted because we had different lessons. I told her, let there be blood. xq was around, so a bit hard for me to give her a huge squeezy hug before. I went to meet her up to walk home together. I asked about venepuncture. she didn't reply and asked me not to say anything first. She started walking very fast. I walked her up to her house and then she opened the door and saw xq. she was in tears already, so she quickly pulled me away and came down to my room instead. There she sat, all in tears and i was so lost. I just kept trying to encourage her and tried to talk to her logically and about other plans. Like how she might need to delay her flight to go for venepuncture lessons. i kept consoling her and she just kept crying. My heart was aching so much seeing her lidat. I miss her running towards me like that. I miss holding her tightly and running my fingers through her hair to console her. I miss trying to pinch her cheeks and force a smile on her face. I miss putting her right where my heart is, holding her hands and telling her everything will be ok.
I miss you piglet.
Bear
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)