Dear Piglet,
Its been almost a week since i last blogged. I've just been too busy trying to read up for the next day and have been putting this off till now. I guess that is a show of me knowing where my priorities are.
I think i've programmed my mind to know where the lines are already. Not contacting you unless contacted first. i've done pretty well in it, except maybe i depend on a few other friends more during this period of time. i am even able to say that some of the emotional attachment is beginning to fade. Now, i am afraid. The greatest thing behind why i didn't want to forget was because i dun want things to fade and change. Alright, maybe not emotional attachment, but emotional dependence. Maybe its a first step to try to find happiness again, but im still not a happy person. I spent 18000 on a car that i don't think i will need much, just to make myself happy and keep myself occupied. Now all i need is probably to find an activity i can participate weekly to further keep my mind off these things.
Sometimes when people say certain things, it still hurts. Things like, eh, now got civic already can go out jio girls again already. I mean, i know you guys mean well and all, but i was so craving to tell you guys that i am single but unavailable. I need to find my heart back. When u see people going out together in pairs, it just makes you feel sad how you cannot be with the one you love.
I remember that day when it was our one month anniversary, it seemed like i didn't care much but i actually cycled to macs to buy breakfast for us. the drinks spilled all the way and i was so sianed that my choclocate was all along wellington road. Seeing that smile on your face when i went into your room made it all worthwhile. I just love it when i see your, what the hell did you do know, what are you up to, huh, why you go so far to buy breakfast kind of face. Well, i guessed if i could make nice breakfast, i wouldn't need so much effort.
Going to pancake parlour together that sunday morning was also one of our breakfast escapades. Climbing up so early in the morning to travel to glen. remember the two super nice cars, ferrari and porshe that we saw? It was that day, there were still so little people at the glen. we jsut went in and ordered a short stack. it was simple and nice, but i really just want to spend time with you like that. i may not be the person always with things to talk about, i just want to spend time with you and being there with you just makes me feel so happy.
I still remember that day at Wilson's Prom when we stayed back for the open air cinema. Alice in wonderland was it? Not sure if you really wanted to stay to watch but its just another one of the things i really wanted to do with you. open air cinema. ok, maybe i was imagining more of a two of us lying on top of a convertible watching the movie kind of thing, but that was good enough. buying a cup of hot drink so that you can hold it in your hand and feel some warmth when we were so underprepared for the cold. I just love doing everything with you. I want to go for a road trip with you right beside me all the while. I haven't had enough of you. But this easter, i think i will be a lonely man.
I wonder when can i hug you tightly again.
Bear
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
T +37
Dear Piglet,
haven't really had the time to type out my thoughts for the past few days, so i shall dedicate sometime before i head off to bed.
Went to church with tim and xuan today. before that, i was very confused, i can't believed i went in the end. that's on hindsight thinking about how i was so frightened in the past. mixed feelings and a lot of fear and apprehension. But i still went in the end. It has to start i guess, to find out more. I guess i really need to do this so that i can find my clear direction. Tim was telling me about some of the things to expect when i go for the service, especially with the communion part. He did tell me that i didn't have to do it if i didn't want to, i still did in the end, not sure why though, but partly because i did not want to feel out of place. all the intimidation. There was this girl seating beside me, dorothy, a melb uni med grad doing anaesthesia in geelong now. She introduced herself in the mingling part and kind of found out i was new there, and was like encouraging me to say hi to everyone else since i was new in the part where the pastor invited new people attending to introduce themselves. There were many asians surprisingly which made everything a little more comfortable? The singing part was nice i thought, through the lyrics of the song, i was able to learn a little more about the faith and stuff. and i think its nice to worship and sing praise this way. im not sure how to describe it, but heartwarming? homely like tim said. and i can sort of understand why it makes people feel at ease.
Oh, there was this part where the pastor asked people who wanted to recognise Christianity as their faith to come to the front. and he gave some reasons i think, like to be able to confess your belief in him in front of men. I am not really ready for it and maybe one day i would, but certainly not yet. The sermon part was actually something that was interesting to me, although i was a little sleepy cos of the monotonality. Well, i'm not sure if the evidence (geographical and physical) were true and i do question the source of those pictures about edom and gomorrah. it kind of appealed to me because they at least, tried to validate their claims and not just getting you to belief and trust and have faith if u get what i mean. The passage for the service was something about false teachers and how people get led away from god. it was kind of apt or not apt to me, since i am still not a christian. and like you said xuan said it was right in the face. Well, a little harsh condemning non-believers i feel, and some use of really strong words. uncomfortable moments. I mean if u were a Christian you would be ok listening, but for me its just different? And it felt as though the pastor was talking to just me. When we were singing the closing song, there was a pause in between the song and he was like come out now! talking about the people who wants to convert and confess. another uncomfortable moment. i think i do just find sitting where i am and blending in for now. Different environment, but i guess with some caution and understanding i might just be able to accept being there. I will definitely go for another service the week after, but really depends on our vespa session thing.
was kind of thankful that tim said he wouldn't mind going alpha course with me because he thought it would be going to be intimidating for me. guess i am well looked after then. pastor also said something about not rejecting = acceptance and that there's no in between. i am really in between i guess. still lost trying to find my way. but i really feel that one day if i do accept Christ in my life, i would still pray in my buddhist ways, for my family and with my family. Maybe i would still want to reincarnate but maybe Christ would offer me a salvation that will allow me to lead a mortal life again? i have no idea, i need to find out more. Sometimes i really want to find out what i was in my last life, and i think you could possibly go to a medium for that, but it wouldn't affect much i guess. Its this life that matters, the one and only you've got. Even if u are a undegradable soul put through different mortal bodies, each and every life is differnt because of your upbringing and environment and experiences. Is it really possible for life to be continous and just devoid of memories from life to life? i need to find out more.
Talked to you after i'm home. i am glad you call, even if you just wanted to find out how i felt about the session. But i guess maybe you were a little anxious to find out how much i could accept it. I guess maybe when u heard that i thought it went good you felt happy. I guess you are still hoping for us to be together again. But its all my guesses from your voice and tone. I guess that you still love me dearly. I do still love you, but all this time apart is really doing us no good. And the longer i take, the harder its going to be for us. If only we can still meet once a week. im really glad when u said you felt your heartache, like how its physically pain. It was exactly how i felt too. And please stop trying to matchmake me away. i am single and unavailable. please be my friend again, so that we can spend time together, even with the feelings tucked away, so that at least the feelings will not be lost.
I am so afraid of forgeting and losing everything, maybe that's why i am being so miserable and not allowing myself to move on. The less pain i feel, the easier im going to forget.
I can still rmb that dinner with you at sophia's after our little honeymoon trip. The humongous amount of pasta and two tired faces. we still managed to pull up some smiles and a big appetite to try to gobble down all the food. Had like 3 takeaway boxes to bring the food home. But that was what i wanted to do if i had a car, to bring you out for dinner like that.
I can still remember in 2009 april's fool day when ajit and chinswee came to your door to scare you. When you called me, i was really knocked out and very drowsy and i saw your name on the phone but i couldn't keep awake. i vaguely heard what's happening upstairs and i was like gahh, now i am really going to lose my sleep only to hear the scream and shocks happening upstairs. too late to do anything i thought and then i just returned to sleep. Got scolded for not answering my phone the next day. But i already denied lending them the key. if only you talked to me more then, i would have went up to save you. hahas.
I want to hug you so badly, i want to know that it feels just the same as before.
Bear
haven't really had the time to type out my thoughts for the past few days, so i shall dedicate sometime before i head off to bed.
Went to church with tim and xuan today. before that, i was very confused, i can't believed i went in the end. that's on hindsight thinking about how i was so frightened in the past. mixed feelings and a lot of fear and apprehension. But i still went in the end. It has to start i guess, to find out more. I guess i really need to do this so that i can find my clear direction. Tim was telling me about some of the things to expect when i go for the service, especially with the communion part. He did tell me that i didn't have to do it if i didn't want to, i still did in the end, not sure why though, but partly because i did not want to feel out of place. all the intimidation. There was this girl seating beside me, dorothy, a melb uni med grad doing anaesthesia in geelong now. She introduced herself in the mingling part and kind of found out i was new there, and was like encouraging me to say hi to everyone else since i was new in the part where the pastor invited new people attending to introduce themselves. There were many asians surprisingly which made everything a little more comfortable? The singing part was nice i thought, through the lyrics of the song, i was able to learn a little more about the faith and stuff. and i think its nice to worship and sing praise this way. im not sure how to describe it, but heartwarming? homely like tim said. and i can sort of understand why it makes people feel at ease.
Oh, there was this part where the pastor asked people who wanted to recognise Christianity as their faith to come to the front. and he gave some reasons i think, like to be able to confess your belief in him in front of men. I am not really ready for it and maybe one day i would, but certainly not yet. The sermon part was actually something that was interesting to me, although i was a little sleepy cos of the monotonality. Well, i'm not sure if the evidence (geographical and physical) were true and i do question the source of those pictures about edom and gomorrah. it kind of appealed to me because they at least, tried to validate their claims and not just getting you to belief and trust and have faith if u get what i mean. The passage for the service was something about false teachers and how people get led away from god. it was kind of apt or not apt to me, since i am still not a christian. and like you said xuan said it was right in the face. Well, a little harsh condemning non-believers i feel, and some use of really strong words. uncomfortable moments. I mean if u were a Christian you would be ok listening, but for me its just different? And it felt as though the pastor was talking to just me. When we were singing the closing song, there was a pause in between the song and he was like come out now! talking about the people who wants to convert and confess. another uncomfortable moment. i think i do just find sitting where i am and blending in for now. Different environment, but i guess with some caution and understanding i might just be able to accept being there. I will definitely go for another service the week after, but really depends on our vespa session thing.
was kind of thankful that tim said he wouldn't mind going alpha course with me because he thought it would be going to be intimidating for me. guess i am well looked after then. pastor also said something about not rejecting = acceptance and that there's no in between. i am really in between i guess. still lost trying to find my way. but i really feel that one day if i do accept Christ in my life, i would still pray in my buddhist ways, for my family and with my family. Maybe i would still want to reincarnate but maybe Christ would offer me a salvation that will allow me to lead a mortal life again? i have no idea, i need to find out more. Sometimes i really want to find out what i was in my last life, and i think you could possibly go to a medium for that, but it wouldn't affect much i guess. Its this life that matters, the one and only you've got. Even if u are a undegradable soul put through different mortal bodies, each and every life is differnt because of your upbringing and environment and experiences. Is it really possible for life to be continous and just devoid of memories from life to life? i need to find out more.
Talked to you after i'm home. i am glad you call, even if you just wanted to find out how i felt about the session. But i guess maybe you were a little anxious to find out how much i could accept it. I guess maybe when u heard that i thought it went good you felt happy. I guess you are still hoping for us to be together again. But its all my guesses from your voice and tone. I guess that you still love me dearly. I do still love you, but all this time apart is really doing us no good. And the longer i take, the harder its going to be for us. If only we can still meet once a week. im really glad when u said you felt your heartache, like how its physically pain. It was exactly how i felt too. And please stop trying to matchmake me away. i am single and unavailable. please be my friend again, so that we can spend time together, even with the feelings tucked away, so that at least the feelings will not be lost.
I am so afraid of forgeting and losing everything, maybe that's why i am being so miserable and not allowing myself to move on. The less pain i feel, the easier im going to forget.
I can still rmb that dinner with you at sophia's after our little honeymoon trip. The humongous amount of pasta and two tired faces. we still managed to pull up some smiles and a big appetite to try to gobble down all the food. Had like 3 takeaway boxes to bring the food home. But that was what i wanted to do if i had a car, to bring you out for dinner like that.
I can still remember in 2009 april's fool day when ajit and chinswee came to your door to scare you. When you called me, i was really knocked out and very drowsy and i saw your name on the phone but i couldn't keep awake. i vaguely heard what's happening upstairs and i was like gahh, now i am really going to lose my sleep only to hear the scream and shocks happening upstairs. too late to do anything i thought and then i just returned to sleep. Got scolded for not answering my phone the next day. But i already denied lending them the key. if only you talked to me more then, i would have went up to save you. hahas.
I want to hug you so badly, i want to know that it feels just the same as before.
Bear
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
T +34
Dear Piglet,
i am little too tired to blog for today, work seems to be getting the better of me a little bit. And i need to go grab some much-needed sleep. See you tmr morning, will update tmr. I know you've seen this, but i just want to post it up. lyrics are heartbreaking
Dear God the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again
Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
When hope begins to fade...
Well, it maybe selfish, the way you left me, but its respectable and admirable.
Sometimes i hate telling you that nobody can force you to do things you don't want to.
Because i hope i was able to force you to change your mind.
Meanwhile, while i miss someone to hold, i can only hope that He holds you when i am not around.
I'm missing you again, oh no.
Bear
i am little too tired to blog for today, work seems to be getting the better of me a little bit. And i need to go grab some much-needed sleep. See you tmr morning, will update tmr. I know you've seen this, but i just want to post it up. lyrics are heartbreaking
Dear God the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again
Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
When hope begins to fade...
Well, it maybe selfish, the way you left me, but its respectable and admirable.
Sometimes i hate telling you that nobody can force you to do things you don't want to.
Because i hope i was able to force you to change your mind.
Meanwhile, while i miss someone to hold, i can only hope that He holds you when i am not around.
I'm missing you again, oh no.
Bear
Monday, February 14, 2011
T +31
Dear Piglet,
Happy Valentine's Day. I just thought about it, i never had the chance to celebrate one with you. I was wondering what did i do for you and i went to check my passport. in 2009 that's when we first came over, we were just being in aussie for the first time. In 2010, i had chops on 13 and 15 of feb indicating i was in msia, probably a genting trip. I recall you were in penang or something just before and how it was annoying we keep missing each other. But i rmb sending you a valentine's day card did i not? yeah that's probably it. Well, in 2011 its obvious, all alone by myself. It such an insensitive day to those who are out of love. But sigh, i guess i wasn't lucky enough to make you feel like the girl in love going out on a date with her bf with a bouquet of flowers in her hand, a nice dinner prefably somewhere nice like clarke quay of sorts and a nice drive home. I really want to.
I am really a crazy person, i was so distraught if i should go find her on sunday night. luckily beow agreed to give me ride to her place. but the entire day, i was so distracted about what i was going to do. Its nth much, i only had a card and a flower for her. but i was so distracted, my heart was like racing like mad when i left house with beow. I guess u now know why i love nike, just do it. and partly a bit of encouragment from mj. I went to her place, and i decided i should just leave it and go, but xq's curtains weren't closed so i had to call her out lest i frighten someone. she came out, rather surprised i should say. she patted my head, i hoped she would hug me because i didn't dare to hug her first. She asked me in, but i didn't want beow to wait (another reason why i want a car). so i just wished her happy valentines day and goodnight and left. wasn't the kind of drama-ish meeting i would have expected. but i did what i wanted to do.
She called me after and we talked. we had only just spoken on saturday night. It was a normal talk, but i was really afraid that things have died out, maybe like running out of things to talk about? i dunnoe, maybe we were just tired, or i was being cautious. i was never really a talkative person in the first place. But i guess hearing her voice comforts me a bit. i really really hope we can still be the friends that we were before we got attached. and i will be patient.
I rmb the random things i did for your birthday last year. mcdonalds breakfast, bouquet of flowers and the card and the bottle of stars. i am still really proud of the effect i created although i couldn't be there to experience it first hand. being all the way in russia, it was kind of an achievement. and i still have that msg of yours in my phone with you saying how surprised you were.
And i rmb the last day of school last year, when i bought roses for the girls in south east, but i actually only wanted to buy them for you, three stalks on the table with elaborate petals around, u used the word elaborate rmb? three stalks meaning, I love you fang.
Bear
Happy Valentine's Day. I just thought about it, i never had the chance to celebrate one with you. I was wondering what did i do for you and i went to check my passport. in 2009 that's when we first came over, we were just being in aussie for the first time. In 2010, i had chops on 13 and 15 of feb indicating i was in msia, probably a genting trip. I recall you were in penang or something just before and how it was annoying we keep missing each other. But i rmb sending you a valentine's day card did i not? yeah that's probably it. Well, in 2011 its obvious, all alone by myself. It such an insensitive day to those who are out of love. But sigh, i guess i wasn't lucky enough to make you feel like the girl in love going out on a date with her bf with a bouquet of flowers in her hand, a nice dinner prefably somewhere nice like clarke quay of sorts and a nice drive home. I really want to.
I am really a crazy person, i was so distraught if i should go find her on sunday night. luckily beow agreed to give me ride to her place. but the entire day, i was so distracted about what i was going to do. Its nth much, i only had a card and a flower for her. but i was so distracted, my heart was like racing like mad when i left house with beow. I guess u now know why i love nike, just do it. and partly a bit of encouragment from mj. I went to her place, and i decided i should just leave it and go, but xq's curtains weren't closed so i had to call her out lest i frighten someone. she came out, rather surprised i should say. she patted my head, i hoped she would hug me because i didn't dare to hug her first. She asked me in, but i didn't want beow to wait (another reason why i want a car). so i just wished her happy valentines day and goodnight and left. wasn't the kind of drama-ish meeting i would have expected. but i did what i wanted to do.
She called me after and we talked. we had only just spoken on saturday night. It was a normal talk, but i was really afraid that things have died out, maybe like running out of things to talk about? i dunnoe, maybe we were just tired, or i was being cautious. i was never really a talkative person in the first place. But i guess hearing her voice comforts me a bit. i really really hope we can still be the friends that we were before we got attached. and i will be patient.
I rmb the random things i did for your birthday last year. mcdonalds breakfast, bouquet of flowers and the card and the bottle of stars. i am still really proud of the effect i created although i couldn't be there to experience it first hand. being all the way in russia, it was kind of an achievement. and i still have that msg of yours in my phone with you saying how surprised you were.
And i rmb the last day of school last year, when i bought roses for the girls in south east, but i actually only wanted to buy them for you, three stalks on the table with elaborate petals around, u used the word elaborate rmb? three stalks meaning, I love you fang.
Bear
Thursday, February 10, 2011
T + 27
Dear Piglet,
How have u been? I wanted to tell you so many things. I wanted to tell you that you wouldn't look good if your skirt wasn't short. I wanted to tell you that you looked really pretty in formal wear looking like a doctor. I wanted to ask if you had makeup on. I wanted to ask what were u going to do after. I wanted to ask you so many things. and i wanted to tell that my water bottle leaked in my bag and destroyed my oxford clinical handbook, or at least a corner of it. i wanted to tell you i punched a wall and my knuckles hurt now. i wanted to tell you i saw peter huang in the operating theatres. i wanted to tell you that i am so tired in school lately. I wanted to tell you that my day was so unproductive. I wanted to tell you sasha has already done 4 venepunctures and she's stressing me out.
Its just different talking to someone else. But i should be able to do these things even as your good friend right? i shall be patient, its a virture like you always said. and i wonder why i would say pulmonary arteries instead of veins when i knew blood goes back to the heart via veins whether they are oxygenated or not.
How are you piglet. Hope everythings going well, with work, with patho case, with talking to patients and getting logbook signed off. hope the bed frame has arrived and so many other things. I guess you are just going further and further away from me. and i am pretty sure you will be even further when your parents come down and your good friends come visit you. i guess, i dun have your care and concern anymore. i guess whatever happens to me doesn't concern you anymore. i guess i should not expect you to be concerned about me anymore. i guess, life just sucks sometimes.
I rmb you coming back from ocf fundraising thing where they sold the rootbeer float thing and you carried it back all melted for me.
I rmb you buying random fruits cutting them all up for me after dinner cause feli did too
I rmb the times when i have a headache and when i am having my dark room therapy and still feel that something is missing, i can always call you to come visit me, or rather, guilt trip you to find me. and then i would lie down on your lap telling you that you are my drug and you cure all my problems.
I have a headache now, and i can only hope that the alcohol numbs me a little.
就算放开那能不能别没收我的爱 当作我最后才明白
周杰倫 彩虹
Bear
How have u been? I wanted to tell you so many things. I wanted to tell you that you wouldn't look good if your skirt wasn't short. I wanted to tell you that you looked really pretty in formal wear looking like a doctor. I wanted to ask if you had makeup on. I wanted to ask what were u going to do after. I wanted to ask you so many things. and i wanted to tell that my water bottle leaked in my bag and destroyed my oxford clinical handbook, or at least a corner of it. i wanted to tell you i punched a wall and my knuckles hurt now. i wanted to tell you i saw peter huang in the operating theatres. i wanted to tell you that i am so tired in school lately. I wanted to tell you that my day was so unproductive. I wanted to tell you sasha has already done 4 venepunctures and she's stressing me out.
Its just different talking to someone else. But i should be able to do these things even as your good friend right? i shall be patient, its a virture like you always said. and i wonder why i would say pulmonary arteries instead of veins when i knew blood goes back to the heart via veins whether they are oxygenated or not.
How are you piglet. Hope everythings going well, with work, with patho case, with talking to patients and getting logbook signed off. hope the bed frame has arrived and so many other things. I guess you are just going further and further away from me. and i am pretty sure you will be even further when your parents come down and your good friends come visit you. i guess, i dun have your care and concern anymore. i guess whatever happens to me doesn't concern you anymore. i guess i should not expect you to be concerned about me anymore. i guess, life just sucks sometimes.
I rmb you coming back from ocf fundraising thing where they sold the rootbeer float thing and you carried it back all melted for me.
I rmb you buying random fruits cutting them all up for me after dinner cause feli did too
I rmb the times when i have a headache and when i am having my dark room therapy and still feel that something is missing, i can always call you to come visit me, or rather, guilt trip you to find me. and then i would lie down on your lap telling you that you are my drug and you cure all my problems.
I have a headache now, and i can only hope that the alcohol numbs me a little.
就算放开那能不能别没收我的爱 当作我最后才明白
周杰倫 彩虹
Bear
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
T +25
Dear Piglet,
weekends are the hardest to get by, i can't wait for mondays to come, i guess medicine was really meant for me, it just fills me up. Or maybe its just the busy schedule. How have u been piglet dear, how's cabrini, how's going around with consultants? How's your groupmates and beside tutes, how's your patients, any interesting patients? How's studying. I hope you aren't stressed. Too many things i want to know about you. But you just aren't around anymore.
I watched hello stranger alone, and i cried, alone. I guess everytime i watch a romance film, i might just cry. How do you find the strength to give me up like this. I really want to say this, try and forget me, try to ignore me, i am sure you won't be able to do it easily. I really want to be so super confident and arrogant when i say that, but i am not sure anymore.
i was in the gym and i walked straight into a glass door. It wasn't pain that i felt at that instance, i only just wanted to send u a random sms, to tell you i did something stupid. But i can't, i can't anymore. Its just isn't the same telling you compared to like beow or mj or sasha. Because you will laugh at me and yet ask if i am ok. you will probably call me a stupid boy but i like that. I asked God for a sign, a sign for me to believe and find my next direction. I am still waiting for it.
I was trying to recall our times together, and i thought of the many times when u came down to my place and we were running around, chasing each other, not letting you come into the room and then u just shout bernard chua very loudly outside and i have to let you in so that u don't disturb jem. I miss the time when u tried to hide a note and do some hide and seek thing. and i rmb i put the note in my mouth. I was frantically looking for that note, i spent about 15 minutes looking everywhere, it could be in singapore but i felt something was missing, even when not having that little note of yours. i am sure it was written that it isn't fun playing hide and seek when u know the hiding place already. I was so happy running around, laughing loudly in my house and my housemates will be like looking at us and wonderin what got into us.
And then i rmbed the first time i kissed you. It was a school day, probably a 9 oclock start. i went up to find you before leaving and i kissed you on your cheeks before we left. at that moment, i thought that maybe one day, we would still be like this when we've become doctors, kissing you goodbye before going to work. i really wished it could stay that way.
wells, my nick now is from the song Angels or Devils by Dishwalla. Nice emo songs with lyrics that i like.
and i can see the pain in you
and i can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
will take time
Bear
weekends are the hardest to get by, i can't wait for mondays to come, i guess medicine was really meant for me, it just fills me up. Or maybe its just the busy schedule. How have u been piglet dear, how's cabrini, how's going around with consultants? How's your groupmates and beside tutes, how's your patients, any interesting patients? How's studying. I hope you aren't stressed. Too many things i want to know about you. But you just aren't around anymore.
I watched hello stranger alone, and i cried, alone. I guess everytime i watch a romance film, i might just cry. How do you find the strength to give me up like this. I really want to say this, try and forget me, try to ignore me, i am sure you won't be able to do it easily. I really want to be so super confident and arrogant when i say that, but i am not sure anymore.
i was in the gym and i walked straight into a glass door. It wasn't pain that i felt at that instance, i only just wanted to send u a random sms, to tell you i did something stupid. But i can't, i can't anymore. Its just isn't the same telling you compared to like beow or mj or sasha. Because you will laugh at me and yet ask if i am ok. you will probably call me a stupid boy but i like that. I asked God for a sign, a sign for me to believe and find my next direction. I am still waiting for it.
I was trying to recall our times together, and i thought of the many times when u came down to my place and we were running around, chasing each other, not letting you come into the room and then u just shout bernard chua very loudly outside and i have to let you in so that u don't disturb jem. I miss the time when u tried to hide a note and do some hide and seek thing. and i rmb i put the note in my mouth. I was frantically looking for that note, i spent about 15 minutes looking everywhere, it could be in singapore but i felt something was missing, even when not having that little note of yours. i am sure it was written that it isn't fun playing hide and seek when u know the hiding place already. I was so happy running around, laughing loudly in my house and my housemates will be like looking at us and wonderin what got into us.
And then i rmbed the first time i kissed you. It was a school day, probably a 9 oclock start. i went up to find you before leaving and i kissed you on your cheeks before we left. at that moment, i thought that maybe one day, we would still be like this when we've become doctors, kissing you goodbye before going to work. i really wished it could stay that way.
wells, my nick now is from the song Angels or Devils by Dishwalla. Nice emo songs with lyrics that i like.
and i can see the pain in you
and i can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
will take time
Bear
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