T +34

Dear Piglet,

i am little too tired to blog for today, work seems to be getting the better of me a little bit. And i need to go grab some much-needed sleep. See you tmr morning, will update tmr. I know you've seen this, but i just want to post it up. lyrics are heartbreaking



Dear God the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
When hope begins to fade...

Well, it maybe selfish, the way you left me, but its respectable and admirable.
Sometimes i hate telling you that nobody can force you to do things you don't want to.
Because i hope i was able to force you to change your mind.
Meanwhile, while i miss someone to hold, i can only hope that He holds you when i am not around.

I'm missing you again, oh no.

Bear

T +31

Dear Piglet,

Happy Valentine's Day. I just thought about it, i never had the chance to celebrate one with you. I was wondering what did i do for you and i went to check my passport. in 2009 that's when we first came over, we were just being in aussie for the first time. In 2010, i had chops on 13 and 15 of feb indicating i was in msia, probably a genting trip. I recall you were in penang or something just before and how it was annoying we keep missing each other. But i rmb sending you a valentine's day card did i not? yeah that's probably it. Well, in 2011 its obvious, all alone by myself. It such an insensitive day to those who are out of love. But sigh, i guess i wasn't lucky enough to make you feel like the girl in love going out on a date with her bf with a bouquet of flowers in her hand, a nice dinner prefably somewhere nice like clarke quay of sorts and a nice drive home. I really want to.

I am really a crazy person, i was so distraught if i should go find her on sunday night. luckily beow agreed to give me ride to her place. but the entire day, i was so distracted about what i was going to do. Its nth much, i only had a card and a flower for her. but i was so distracted, my heart was like racing like mad when i left house with beow. I guess u now know why i love nike, just do it. and partly a bit of encouragment from mj. I went to her place, and i decided i should just leave it and go, but xq's curtains weren't closed so i had to call her out lest i frighten someone. she came out, rather surprised i should say. she patted my head, i hoped she would hug me because i didn't dare to hug her first. She asked me in, but i didn't want beow to wait (another reason why i want a car). so i just wished her happy valentines day and goodnight and left. wasn't the kind of drama-ish meeting i would have expected. but i did what i wanted to do.

She called me after and we talked. we had only just spoken on saturday night. It was a normal talk, but i was really afraid that things have died out, maybe like running out of things to talk about? i dunnoe, maybe we were just tired, or i was being cautious. i was never really a talkative person in the first place. But i guess hearing her voice comforts me a bit. i really really hope we can still be the friends that we were before we got attached. and i will be patient.

I rmb the random things i did for your birthday last year. mcdonalds breakfast, bouquet of flowers and the card and the bottle of stars. i am still really proud of the effect i created although i couldn't be there to experience it first hand. being all the way in russia, it was kind of an achievement. and i still have that msg of yours in my phone with you saying how surprised you were.

And i rmb the last day of school last year, when i bought roses for the girls in south east, but i actually only wanted to buy them for you, three stalks on the table with elaborate petals around, u used the word elaborate rmb? three stalks meaning, I love you fang.

Bear

T + 27

Dear Piglet,

How have u been? I wanted to tell you so many things. I wanted to tell you that you wouldn't look good if your skirt wasn't short. I wanted to tell you that you looked really pretty in formal wear looking like a doctor. I wanted to ask if you had makeup on. I wanted to ask what were u going to do after. I wanted to ask you so many things. and i wanted to tell that my water bottle leaked in my bag and destroyed my oxford clinical handbook, or at least a corner of it. i wanted to tell you i punched a wall and my knuckles hurt now. i wanted to tell you i saw peter huang in the operating theatres. i wanted to tell you that i am so tired in school lately. I wanted to tell you that my day was so unproductive. I wanted to tell you sasha has already done 4 venepunctures and she's stressing me out.

Its just different talking to someone else. But i should be able to do these things even as your good friend right? i shall be patient, its a virture like you always said. and i wonder why i would say pulmonary arteries instead of veins when i knew blood goes back to the heart via veins whether they are oxygenated or not.

How are you piglet. Hope everythings going well, with work, with patho case, with talking to patients and getting logbook signed off. hope the bed frame has arrived and so many other things. I guess you are just going further and further away from me. and i am pretty sure you will be even further when your parents come down and your good friends come visit you. i guess, i dun have your care and concern anymore. i guess whatever happens to me doesn't concern you anymore. i guess i should not expect you to be concerned about me anymore. i guess, life just sucks sometimes.

I rmb you coming back from ocf fundraising thing where they sold the rootbeer float thing and you carried it back all melted for me.

I rmb you buying random fruits cutting them all up for me after dinner cause feli did too

I rmb the times when i have a headache and when i am having my dark room therapy and still feel that something is missing, i can always call you to come visit me, or rather, guilt trip you to find me. and then i would lie down on your lap telling you that you are my drug and you cure all my problems.

I have a headache now, and i can only hope that the alcohol numbs me a little.

就算放开那能不能别没收我的爱 当作我最后才明白

周杰倫 彩虹

Bear

T +25

Dear Piglet,

weekends are the hardest to get by, i can't wait for mondays to come, i guess medicine was really meant for me, it just fills me up. Or maybe its just the busy schedule. How have u been piglet dear, how's cabrini, how's going around with consultants? How's your groupmates and beside tutes, how's your patients, any interesting patients? How's studying. I hope you aren't stressed. Too many things i want to know about you. But you just aren't around anymore.

I watched hello stranger alone, and i cried, alone. I guess everytime i watch a romance film, i might just cry. How do you find the strength to give me up like this. I really want to say this, try and forget me, try to ignore me, i am sure you won't be able to do it easily. I really want to be so super confident and arrogant when i say that, but i am not sure anymore.

i was in the gym and i walked straight into a glass door. It wasn't pain that i felt at that instance, i only just wanted to send u a random sms, to tell you i did something stupid. But i can't, i can't anymore. Its just isn't the same telling you compared to like beow or mj or sasha. Because you will laugh at me and yet ask if i am ok. you will probably call me a stupid boy but i like that. I asked God for a sign, a sign for me to believe and find my next direction. I am still waiting for it.

I was trying to recall our times together, and i thought of the many times when u came down to my place and we were running around, chasing each other, not letting you come into the room and then u just shout bernard chua very loudly outside and i have to let you in so that u don't disturb jem. I miss the time when u tried to hide a note and do some hide and seek thing. and i rmb i put the note in my mouth. I was frantically looking for that note, i spent about 15 minutes looking everywhere, it could be in singapore but i felt something was missing, even when not having that little note of yours. i am sure it was written that it isn't fun playing hide and seek when u know the hiding place already. I was so happy running around, laughing loudly in my house and my housemates will be like looking at us and wonderin what got into us.

And then i rmbed the first time i kissed you. It was a school day, probably a 9 oclock start. i went up to find you before leaving and i kissed you on your cheeks before we left. at that moment, i thought that maybe one day, we would still be like this when we've become doctors, kissing you goodbye before going to work. i really wished it could stay that way.

wells, my nick now is from the song Angels or Devils by Dishwalla. Nice emo songs with lyrics that i like.

and i can see the pain in you
and i can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
will take time

Bear

T + 23

Dear Piglet,

just saw you yesterday but i still feel like crap now. Too much to say now. Too much tears, too much sleepless nights and certainly too much alcohol. I was just looking through our msn conversations from 14/1. Everything that we said. I sometimes wonder if you will still uphold them. First it was, i still want you to be my best friend and we can still sit together and talk and anything and we don't have to care what other people say as long as we know our lines. Then it was maybe we can be good friends (like really really really good friends) for now. Then it became your call that maybe we shouldn't meet so often and we decided to meet once a month. And then it was that monday when u couldn't talk to me when u saw me in school and there was the other day when u said you won't be contacting me until saturday for the party when u would come earlier to talk to me until i dun think i will contact you for the next few months.

We promised, while sitting beside each other somewhere in Sydney, overlooking the Sydney Harbour bridge and the Sydney Opera House, that if anyone of us thinks that the relationship isn't going to work out, to tell the other person at the earliest possible time and that we will still remain as very good friends even after. I am still hoping that you would honour your word but only time will tell. I still try to tell myself to be patient and to maintain my trust in you. Because as long as i know and believe that our friendship isn't lost, it makes it just that little bit easier to get by for me. But taking all the changes in the past three weeks into consideration, its harder and harder for me to believe, and harder and harder for me to get by each day.

i will keep trusting you,
but i hope i don't have to prepare for disappointment.

Bear

T +21

Dear Piglet,

its been 3 weeks already. Maybe time helps a bit, i don't cry as easily and i don't get emotional as easily. But it still hurts the same, and i haven't forgotten a single bit. In fact every little thing i do, everything i see, i think of you. I am so glad you called me just now when you needed help. I can't explain why, but i am just glad. And lucky for you, you came to the lecture late and left early, wasn't too hard for both of us to handle that way. Studies really can drown me out a bit. But i keep getting distracted. Thanks to people like beow who asks once in a while if i am ok. They keep me going i guess. But sigh, i still miss you very much piglet. When i get ready to sleep, i can't help but feel that something is missing. Maybe i should just sleep on smaller beds but that wouldn't help either. I really really wished that you would just change your mind and come running back to me. All these sadness and misery is making me age so much more. and my vodka bottle is steadily becoming lighter. i really have no idea when i will get over this, maybe i wouldn't even get over it, but just move on with my life so much that its just a subconcious thing.

Sasha asked me if we got back together would everything still feel the same? I think i would still be as happy. There's still so much more i want to do with you. Without you for even the next few years will equate to me not living my life to the fullest. I've found happiness with you and i hope you've found happiness with me. Now i have no idea where to start looking again. Nth seems to make me happier anymore. I guess this is one instance where money can't buy happiness. Fang, please just come back to me. Its too tedious to move on.

Bear

T +18

Dear Piglet,

well, now that you have come to discovered this blog and that u said u will not read it. I shall take your word and just continue to blog without taking into consideration that u might read it. I guess its just a way for me to say whatever's on my mind there and then without having to think about how others think? Well, could be interesting now that u have seen it. Its really up to you if u want to continue to do it. who knows, u might even have started one for me?

We talked the other night and yes, i understand what u mean when u say u are both happy and sad. Its a really mixed confused complicated feelings that tears the heart out of me. And its just so scary how everything u said about monday was exactly what i thought it would be. Like at every step of the way u avoided me, the reason u said was the exact excuse i was giving myself. Just such an uncanny ability to know what u are thinking i guess. Its ok, i know its awkward for you, i guess it would be the same for me, but i will still remain that i will not contact you unless u contact me first. That way i will know u are sincere, that way i will know u are ready. I guess from what u said, u are not going to contact me for a very long time, and i think i have also given up hope of seeing u even once a month (it would be nice u know, i really can behave in an appropriate manner). Sigh. What else is there u want to take away from me? It was a downward spiral since the nostayover thing, i just started losing everything i had about you one by one slowly without having done anything wrong. and i am not even angry. If only i were a little bit more angry with you, i think i would have moved on just a bit quicker. But i am nice, and i wun be angry with you.

I guess i can also tell that its really hard for you. I can tell that u are sincere in keeping the promise of remaining as good friends. even though i only heard it through your voice. I guess i can just tell u mean it. I am both happy and sad that u are not coping very well, that its very hard for you to face me. It means a lot to me knowing that u still cherish what we had. I dunnoe, i was just thinking, what if u just can't move on. What would that mean, maybe this was the plan He has for you? what if u just keep trying to avoid me and cut me out but u can't? I talked to wc the other day and he was telling me about his parents, dad's christian, mum's not and it took her 18 years before she took the step to let God into her life. 18 years, it just comes to prove that its not easy what u are expecting of me. But it does not mean i am not willing to try. I will try but will u be willing to wait, will u still be there for me. I am really afraid and uncertain because i really dun want to go through this torture one more time. What if after i have gone over this barrier and u ask of me something i cannot achieve again. maybe i would have loved you deep enough for me to do anything for you. But would u do anything in return for me. just accepting me no matter what?

Rmb that day when we went for tulip festival all the way at mt dandenong. It was one of the happier times i rmbed having spent with you. Especially when walking beside you under the umbrella just made me feel that the both of us are in like our own world and i had a thought that we would be like that when we become old. It made me feel like i was walking around with my prized possession. I still rmb how u wore double stockings cos its so super cold and how your flats were like soaked with mud during that rainy day.

And i rmb that day when u wanted to go to chadstone to buy groceries and i tagged along cos i needed to get my tie. How i brought my entire suit, blazer pants and shirt all out just to look for that one tie. myers was too expensive and we ended up in that shop that had this skinny tie. It wasn't that cheap either but i decided it anyway cos u said it was nice. I always trusted your taste, i only appear to doubt it. I know at that time, we weren't even aware of our feelings for each other, we were still the neighbours kind of thing. But i felt happy anyway and then i thought if my decision to not get into a relationship was coming to an end. If you realised, from that day on, i became closer to you in every step of the way. I wanted to be there with you.

short term goal - last out till saturday.

and i want you to know that the days goes by more easily when i know that u will keep your promise. It keeps me motivated. :)

u need to hurry up too, or my wasted heart will still be loving you.

Bear