T +18

Dear Piglet,

well, now that you have come to discovered this blog and that u said u will not read it. I shall take your word and just continue to blog without taking into consideration that u might read it. I guess its just a way for me to say whatever's on my mind there and then without having to think about how others think? Well, could be interesting now that u have seen it. Its really up to you if u want to continue to do it. who knows, u might even have started one for me?

We talked the other night and yes, i understand what u mean when u say u are both happy and sad. Its a really mixed confused complicated feelings that tears the heart out of me. And its just so scary how everything u said about monday was exactly what i thought it would be. Like at every step of the way u avoided me, the reason u said was the exact excuse i was giving myself. Just such an uncanny ability to know what u are thinking i guess. Its ok, i know its awkward for you, i guess it would be the same for me, but i will still remain that i will not contact you unless u contact me first. That way i will know u are sincere, that way i will know u are ready. I guess from what u said, u are not going to contact me for a very long time, and i think i have also given up hope of seeing u even once a month (it would be nice u know, i really can behave in an appropriate manner). Sigh. What else is there u want to take away from me? It was a downward spiral since the nostayover thing, i just started losing everything i had about you one by one slowly without having done anything wrong. and i am not even angry. If only i were a little bit more angry with you, i think i would have moved on just a bit quicker. But i am nice, and i wun be angry with you.

I guess i can also tell that its really hard for you. I can tell that u are sincere in keeping the promise of remaining as good friends. even though i only heard it through your voice. I guess i can just tell u mean it. I am both happy and sad that u are not coping very well, that its very hard for you to face me. It means a lot to me knowing that u still cherish what we had. I dunnoe, i was just thinking, what if u just can't move on. What would that mean, maybe this was the plan He has for you? what if u just keep trying to avoid me and cut me out but u can't? I talked to wc the other day and he was telling me about his parents, dad's christian, mum's not and it took her 18 years before she took the step to let God into her life. 18 years, it just comes to prove that its not easy what u are expecting of me. But it does not mean i am not willing to try. I will try but will u be willing to wait, will u still be there for me. I am really afraid and uncertain because i really dun want to go through this torture one more time. What if after i have gone over this barrier and u ask of me something i cannot achieve again. maybe i would have loved you deep enough for me to do anything for you. But would u do anything in return for me. just accepting me no matter what?

Rmb that day when we went for tulip festival all the way at mt dandenong. It was one of the happier times i rmbed having spent with you. Especially when walking beside you under the umbrella just made me feel that the both of us are in like our own world and i had a thought that we would be like that when we become old. It made me feel like i was walking around with my prized possession. I still rmb how u wore double stockings cos its so super cold and how your flats were like soaked with mud during that rainy day.

And i rmb that day when u wanted to go to chadstone to buy groceries and i tagged along cos i needed to get my tie. How i brought my entire suit, blazer pants and shirt all out just to look for that one tie. myers was too expensive and we ended up in that shop that had this skinny tie. It wasn't that cheap either but i decided it anyway cos u said it was nice. I always trusted your taste, i only appear to doubt it. I know at that time, we weren't even aware of our feelings for each other, we were still the neighbours kind of thing. But i felt happy anyway and then i thought if my decision to not get into a relationship was coming to an end. If you realised, from that day on, i became closer to you in every step of the way. I wanted to be there with you.

short term goal - last out till saturday.

and i want you to know that the days goes by more easily when i know that u will keep your promise. It keeps me motivated. :)

u need to hurry up too, or my wasted heart will still be loving you.

Bear