Just a little introduction about why i have started this blog. I just broke up with someone i love dearly. We loved each other deeply but we had issues with our religion. I hope to channel some of my feelings through this blog and in doing so hope it helps me to cope everyday better. It has been a about a week since we have broken up. Issues that i might discuss here might be regarding religion of course as i try to find out more about them in search of my own faith, about memories of our relationship and anything else that i find significant.
Dear Piglet,
I feel crappy today, went out to kbox with mj to try to channel some of my heartbroken-ness into singing. Hebe's 寂寞寂寞就好 still remain one of my favourites for today, and of course my usual those of Jay Chou and all his emo songs. Did try to sing a few cheerful songs. But i guess all love songs are meant for those heartbroken people out there, and everything they sing of has an uncanny correlation to what i am experiencing now. I guess falling out of love gives people inspiration, just like how i decided to start this blog. One day i hope she will see this blog, but i am not sure when is the best time. maybe her birthday? yes, maybe 7 months from now. i really do not know what will happen 7 months from now, would we have moved on? will we get back together? will she be with someone new already? life is just full of questions and that's why we have to hold onto what's real and in front of us. we take for granted too many things, like our families. Sigh.
I am so tormented now, i am just constantly checking my phone and msn to see if she msged me or she's online. And then each time i am disappointed, i wonder if i should take the first step, to msg her, i already did send her an offline msg, just in case she's appearing offline and avoiding me. i dunnoe what i am going to do, i am going crazy already. would she think i am pestering her? i really hope not. i know there has to be some distance, but this is really unbearable.
I guess i took her for granted, too much man. i never did meet her everyday or text her everyday when we are back in Singapore. but now, i feel like doing anything in the world with her, of course, that's after losing her. I would even do battlestar galatica with her right away. (something that i never promised her) now i regret why i've been such a coward. Not bringing her home, not introducing her to my friends, not putting her photo with me as my facebook profile picture. I suck right. now that i want to do all these things i can't anymore.
失去了才会珍惜
Of course i have been pondering about conversion too. Ok, maybe not conversion, acceptance should be more apt. There are somethings, whether religious or not, that has been part of my life for so long and has allowed me to get to where i am now. My morals, principles and values i cannot forsake. She's a Christian, and i am a Buddhist. I was questioned about my faith, and i did not know much about my own. But i do know things, like i need to do good, honour and respect my parents, be filial to them, do no harm. I do know all these things and they don't have to be religious. And to be honest, maybe due to some bad experiences i had, i always was afraid to know more about christianity. But if God or Jesus really truly exists, i don't want to have missed the chance to know him. I try to pray sometimes, i pray for a sign and an obvious one to tell me what to do next. What i really want to know is what will happen of me and her. Will i still be with her? (i really want to) I guess i am still hoping for the sign to appear.
The next few posts (the first few) will be rather long i guess, since i have so much to say and i don't want to forget a single thing. I may have multiple post a day if it helps me cope but yup, signing off for now.
She still hasn't contacted me.
Hopefully she turns up for a gathering lunch we have tmr. I really want to see her, i miss her so badly. :(
Bear
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