hmm, i seem to be losing track of the day thingy, not sure if it changes after you edit it. will work on that later. yesterday was both a sad and then happy day. i guess my emotions are fluctuating so much, as much as a women in menopause would experience. happy parts first, had family reunion dinner, so it was good, an early one just for the sake of me who's leaving in less than a week's time. Good to see my second brother especially, he's just been workworkwork all the time, but he's always there in his own ways. Pity they left early. And then went to play mahjong with my nieces so that's not too bad, won 4 bucks. hahas. just for fun i guess.
Lunch was good, for the food and Amas' generosity. But it was bad, i dunnoe why, i was happy to see her there too, but still bad, at least for my heart i guess. When i called her to check where she was (i could have just called someone else and i really just wanted to hear her voice), she told me she weren't coming. i had a fair share of experience getting tricked by her. But i wasn't in the right mood to expect that. I guess i am not in a position to say that, nahhh you won't do that to me. so i was like, oh ok, then its ok, i call someone else. It hurt so bad saying that. But yeah, then she said she was there already. I couldn't even bring myself to smile already then. So i met her at the train station with amas and xq. It wasn't awkward, at least i tried not to appear awkward. I commented about her hair and stuff, showed her my gundam. But i felt like as if i was trying really hard to make conversation with her and i didn't even know if she cared or was interested. i kept going on, hoping it would be ok. but then her girlfriends arrived, so i was just there, talking to amas but obviously not concentrating, deep in other thoughts for that moment.
Well, i got to sit beside her, but i dunnoe if its because she sincerely wants to or cos she feels obligated because i told her i wanted to. I really dunnoe how she feels anymore. Its as if she's able to put on this cold iron metal gate in front of her and i just cannot get through. Then i start thinking, maybe i am not supposed to anymore. Is she keeping her promise of not to avoid me just because she promised and she doesn't want to hurt me, or does she really out of her heart wants to talk to me still. I am not expecting a lot i guess, i mean what else can i. I just want that familiarity when i talk to her. Oh wells, then i also come up with excuses for myself and for her, like ohhh, maybe cos its the first time we meet after so long. Sigh, i really dunnoe what to think anymore. We did talk a bit, but i just cannot discern whether they were true or superficial. Sigh, i dunnnoe anymore.
Towards the end, she talked to her gfs about melbourne and how they can like visit each other, stay over at each other's place on friday nights and what not. Ok, i dunnoe why, but that's what i used to do with her and it hurts when she's so excited about everything. Does she even know i am sitting next to her and that their whispering doesn't help? And then one of her friends started talking about how another broken up couple were doing and everything. sigh. i just felt destroyed then. now, i have become just another topic for gossip and chitchat i guess.
And one last thing, m offered a lift for anyone to cityhall of sorts. and she accepted it. and she walked away with him. I could have driven her anywhere and i did offer in advance, even before meeting. I no longer know how impt i am to her anymore.
I cried all the way driving home. It was hazardous.
Bear
I promised photos didn't i? she gave me these..
Gundam Virtue from 00.
Quite a good effort for a first timer i guess, i really like it.
Really? Still?
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